| Larisa Koehn

Things Aren’t Going to Get Better

March 23, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 7 Comments

I’m curled up on the floor. Inside I am breaking.

Again.

I feel shattered, devastated, very, very afraid and alone.

My breath is coming in gasps. Tears are running down my cheeks. I am shaking – that deep, core shaking that comes from absolute terror.

I recognize this place. I’ve been here countless times over the past 3½ years – ever since the iron-hard protective cage I’d built around myself began coming apart. Ever since I began to feel emotional pain again.

This time, I decide I don’t want to face all the terror alone. I call a friend – which is somehow nearly as painful as the pain itself. She answers and, as usual, she is able to hold me, to be there for me. And eventually, I am once again a little more connected to myself, to my internal sense of safety and love.

Knowing the answer, I ask her anyway:

Will things ever get better?

Things aren’t going to get better.

Don’t believe me? Let me show you:

First, the external stuff:

Life will continue to throw difficult, unexpected, challenging things at you. (Illness, injury, natural disasters, relationship stuff…)
Economies will collapse, jobs will be lost, businesses will fail, dreams will wither and die (to be very dramatic).
Your physical body will be in pain from time to time; it will grow old and eventually quit working the way you want.
People will let you down, break your heart, do or say things that hurt you (whether intentionally or not doesn’t matter).

Now, the more internal stuff:

Painful patterns will continue to play themselves out. Over and over and over. Just when you think you have figured out some pattern and that you will never have to feel the pain of that particular thing again, it will again slap you in the face – just to show you that, no, you aren’t done.
New, even more painful and deeply ingrained patterns will continue to come to the surface in the hopes that you can meet them and begin to untangle and resolve the pain they hold.
There will always be events, situations, people, words, etc that trigger old, unresolved pain in you.

Are you convinced yet?

Maybe things don’t get better.

But, through consciously, mindfully interacting with the pain we feel (whether physical or emotional), we get better.

We get better at meeting ourselves.

Life as a spiral

Life is a spiral, periods of gloom and pain followed by, perhaps not times of total joy and love, but, let’s say, periods of respite. Stretches of time where we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and where things happen with more ease and naturalness.

Followed by, of course, yet another cycle of more intense suffering and disconnection.

Physically this may look like having times when that area of chronic pain is in remission (if you will) followed by weeks or months of unrelenting pain.

Emotionally, there are periods where we are not so easily triggered. When we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and belonging. Then, there are times when anything and everything serves to knock us back into the pit of terror (or wherever your painful place may be).

Climbing out of the pit of terror

What I’ve found to be true for me is that the more I practice holding, witness, meeting the terror (my pain), the quicker that part of the spiral cycles through. Yeah, the feelings, the pain, the insanely uncomfortable sensations are just as intense as ever.

But, I’m not so completely taken over by them. Or, when I am, I am able to recognize it sooner and take the steps that reconnect me with that internal sense of safety and love.

And now, there are even times, when in the very midst of the terror (when I am overwhelmed), that I notice a very small part of me is feeling incredible joy.

Joy that I am allowing myself to feel and experience the terror without trying to do something (or make someone else do something) to make me feel safe again.

And, sometimes, I hear this small, quiet voice that reminds me that the more I can meet and hold myself while in the terror, the more freedom I experience in my life.

I know this to be true. There are some things that in the past would trigger me into this place of utter desolation and terror that now just slide off me. Not because I am hard and untouchable but because I now have this internal sense of safety that is not so easily shaken.

The more I practice kindly, lovingly interacting with my pain (using any number of the suggestions I talk about here), the less things trigger me, the more whole I am in myself, and the more freedom I experience.

All the things from my list that cause pain are still there. They haven’t changed or gotten better.

But, I have gotten better.

That makes all the difference.

For you:

Today I just want to say that sometimes things are overwhelming. Sometimes the painful part of the spiral is long and hard and seemingly endless.

Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for having the courage to be in the hard, in the pain.

It’s so not easy.

And, I want to remind you:

You are so not alone.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding

Even as the stone of the fruit must break,

That the heart may stand in the sun,

So must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder

At the daily miracles of your life

You pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

Even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief…

-Kahlil Gibran

7 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Right Relationship

How to Shift Out of Fear and Into the Present Moment

March 9, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 4 Comments

My brother is at the dentist. He is having some work repaired on a root canal gone wrong. Sitting there, he is filled with anxiety. It’s going to hurt; he knows it.

Any moment the pain will begin. Any moment one of those hard, gleaming tools is going to dig into his tender gums and he will just have to sit there and take it. His hands are clenched, his breath shallow and constricted, his shoulders and neck tight and rigid.

At some point, he becomes aware of how tightly his hands are clenching. He notices how he is holding his breath, the tension radiating throughout his entire body.

Simultaneously, he suddenly realizes he can’t feel anything in his mouth at all. It truly is completely numb.

He is tensing (guarding) against a pain that isn’t there.

He is able to let go and relax a bit and finally, it is over.

There was no pain. There was only his fear of the pain.

Relating the story to me, he is laughing. Laughing at himself for all the unnecessary stress he put himself under. For all the unnecessary tension and stress his body underwent.

True, there have been other visits to the dentist that haven’t been pain-free. Visits, in fact, where he did experience high levels of pain and discomfort.

That pain is what his body remembered. That discomfort is what his body was trying to protect him from experiencing again.

But, in this case, the protection, the tension, was unnecessary. In this case, the tension only served to make a visit to the dentist much more unpleasant than it actually was.

This story got me thinking.

Thinking about fear. And, about how past experiences of pain (or the fear of pain) can completely disconnect us from what is really happening in the present moment.

In the present moment, there may be no pain, no threat. In the present moment, the sun may be shining, the birds singing, a gentle breeze caressing our faces.

Yet, at the same time, our bodies can be responding as if they are under direct attack. Our hearts can be racing, our muscles tight and tense, our breath restricted.

Today, I’m not so interested in the ‘why.’

Why, for instance, we can be thrown into such a state of fear or panic or anxiety when there is nothing in the present moment truly threatening us. For now, let’s just assume that there is a very real, very logical reason for our bodies to be reacting in such a manner.

And, instead, let’s talk about that moment when we become aware that our reaction is not based in reality.

Let’s explore ways to help us settle back into the present moment.

Where there is no threat. Where we are safe.

My brother returned to the present moment when he realized he was tensing up as if he was experiencing extreme pain when, in fact, he was in no pain whatsoever.

Once he gained that awareness, he was able to talk himself down. To point out to himself that he wasn’t in pain. That his mouth was, surprisingly, totally numb. He was then able to consciously relax his hands and take a deeper breath.

Sometimes, just noticing that your reaction isn’t based in reality is enough.

Sometimes, it isn’t.

Sometimes, the fear or anxiety can be totally overwhelming.

Sometimes there isn’t enough presence of mind available to notice that the fear you are experiencing isn’t based in reality.

Sometimes, all you can feel is the fear.

In these cases, I have a couple of simple suggestions to help you find your way back to the present moment. Both of these suggestions come from Jin Shin Jyutsu, a Japanese system of healing and self-care.

The Grounding Points: sitting or lying down, find the small hollows beneath your collarbone on either side of your sternum. Gently place your fingertips (right hand beneath the right collarbone, left hand underneath the left collarbone) in these hollows.
These points serve to safely and gently ground you in your body.Take a few moments and focus your awareness gently on these two points. Notice what happens in your body on the level of sensations.

For me, I generally notice an almost immediate increased sense of relaxation. Often I find myself spontaneously taking a deeper breath as the muscles around my neck and chest begin to let go. It’s such a simple thing. Yet, it constantly amazes me how effectively it brings me back to myself.

Hold your index finger. In Jin Shin Jyutsu, the index finger is all about fear. Cradling the index finger of either hand in the other hand rebalances the body energetically and helps fear to release.
Again, the key is to take a few minutes and just let yourself tune into the sensation of holding your finger. And, to notice what happens in your body as you continue to pay attention and cradle the finger.

I love this one because it’s so sneaky! You can do it practically anywhere, anytime and no one even has to know.

Do these suggestions really work?

The best way to find out is to give them a try! And, of course, to pay attention to how your body responds. And no, you don’t have to be in a state of fear or overwhelm in order to benefit from these suggestions. They can be used anytime you want to feel more grounded and present.

Will they solve all your problems and make it so you never feel fear or anxiety again? Probably not.

What I’ve found, however, is that the more I use them, the quicker and more completely my body responds.

These suggestions serve to bring me back to myself a bit when I’m in that state of fear or anxiety. They bring me back to the safety of the present moment. From there, I am better able to meet the fear versus be overwhelmed by it.

What’s your experience? How does your body respond?

4 Comments Filed Under: Self-Care

When Exhaustion Wars with the Important Thing You Want to Do

February 23, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 4 Comments

I’m sitting here, supposedly writing this post for you. My nerves feel frazzled, my mind is spinning.

I want to write something useful, something that will bring a little ease and comfort into your day. But, right now I’m having a really hard time accessing those qualities for myself. Totally lacking ease and comfort in myself, how can I hope to write anything that inspires these qualities in you?

Perhaps you can relate? Perhaps you’ve been in a similar place yourself? A place where you want to help, to serve, but are yourself depleted and exhausted.

I wonder, what do you do in these situations? Do you push through and continue meeting the needs (real or perceived) of others? Do you stop and meet your own needs first? Is there, perhaps, some combination of both that happens?

Tonight, I feel drained. Tonight, I’m going to practice some self-care. Tonight, you get to watch. And perhaps, through me meeting myself first, you will be able to better meet yourself when you are in a similar state.

So, first, the overview:

I’m tired. I want to write this post.

What needs are being met through writing this post?

To be reliable, trustworthy, to keep my word. I set a public intention to post (and send out a newsletter) on the second and fourth Wednesdays of every month.
To serve through sharing suggestions, perspectives, and techniques that I’ve found useful.
To contribute to a community dedicated to gently, kindly interacting with themselves and their pain.

What do I need in order for this post to be written?

Reassurance – that this post doesn’t have to be perfect or useful or some work of greatness. (Which, of course, is what I think it should be). And, reassurance that it will be ok if I don’t get it done; if I don’t meet my deadline.
Permission – to feel drained, exhausted, and utterly incapable of offering anything of value.
Acknowledgement – both of the exhaustion AND that writing this post is important to me.
Time – to check in, to see what my body needs and to spend some time attending to those needs prior to actually writing this post.

Interesting. This task is definitely not a should. It is something that meets all sorts of needs for me.

And, just writing down that I need reassurance, permission and acknowledgment somehow allowed me to give them to myself. Sweet.

The need for time to check-in with myself is still there. So, that is what I’m going to do next.

My 4-level check-in. What’s happening in my:

Body in general? Exhaustion, a sense of being drained and depleted.

Emotions? Anxiety definitely. Otherwise, I feel pretty emotionally cut-off right now.

Thoughts? Oh boy. Yeah. There are thoughts. “You should have started earlier. What kind of a business woman do you think you are? Not a very good one, obviously. You only have this small window of quiet to get this done and you’ve already almost missed it. You’re not going to get it done on time and even if you do, it’s going to suck, it’s not going to be useful and no-one will like it (or even read it).” Etc.

Sensations? Eyes feel stuck, locked, fixed in my head. Total tunnel vision. There is pressure behind my eyes. They feel as if they are straining forward, attempting to escape from their sockets. Neck feels ‘poppy.’ Every time I turn my head, my neck pops and cracks. My neck muscles feel tight, unbalanced, strained. There is this heavy, sinking sensation in my stomach. My breath is shallow, constricted.

Woa. It’s amazing how helpful it is to just do something simple and quick like the 4-Level Check-In. I already feel more connected to my body. Although the exhaustion is still there, I’m no longer resisting it. It’s there and that’s fine.

From my check-in, it is obvious that my eyes are holding the majority of my stress. Just the thought of looking at the computer or writing anything feels overwhelming.

Time for a little self-care.

My eyes feel stuck. And, I’m more in my head than in my body. So, I shift into wide-angle vision. Owl Eyes!

Note: You are going to be hearing a lot more about Owl Eyes soon. So, be prepared. And, overjoyed! Because it’s awesome.

Being in Owl Eyes means that I consciously relax my eyes until I am in wide-angle (or peripheral) vision. It makes everything look and feel a bit softer. It makes me more aware of all the space around me. It gives me a way to hold myself as I pay close attention to what is happening in my body.

And now, I sit. And, I speak Sensation.

I tell my eyes that I notice how strained, tense and locked they feel. I reflect the sensations of heavy, of sinking, of empty pit to my stomach. I let my neck know that I am aware of how tense, tight and misaligned it feels.

As I continue to pay attention, to speak with my body in these ways, my body begins to speak back.

The tension in my eyes releases a bit. I tell my eyes that I now notice less pressure and more of a floating sensation in them. My breathing deepens. I reflect that back through acknowledging the sense of increased lightness and space in my chest where before there had been only constriction and pressure.

The dialogue continues…

And, throughout it all, I stay in my Owl Eyes.

Why? Because being in wide-angle vision makes it easier to notice, to witness what is happening in my body without getting pulled into (and then overwhelmed) by the sensations.

This whole process, by the way, only takes about 10 minutes. At the end, I feel renewed. Not exactly energized ;) but definitely calmer, more present, and more at ease and comfortable in my body and in myself.

I am ready and able to sit down and write. Which is what I do.

4 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care, Speaking Sensation

Sensations: Speaking the Secret Language of the Body

February 9, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 9 Comments

Today, we are going to play with speaking Sensation. Yes, it’s a language. Yes, you will be able to speak it by the end of this post.

But first, why? What’s the point?

Sensations are the language (the words) of our bodies. They are how our bodies communicate with us.

Speaking Sensation allows us to interact with our bodies in a way that is gentle, non-invasive, and that promotes an increased sense of ease and wellbeing.

Our bodies are always communicating with us whether we are aware of it or not.

They are constantly letting us know what is going on with them: I’m hungry, I’m full, I’m hot, cold, thirsty, in pain… Sometimes the messages are very clear “That hurts!” Sometimes, they are quite subtle.

Today, we will begin to explore the infinite ways your body communicates with you through sensations. And, believe me, the vocabulary of your body extends far beyond full, thirsty, cold, hot, pain, and hungry.

So, just what is a sensation?

A sensation is a physical feeling in the body.

Sensation Language describes these physical feelings using words based on the five senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight).

It is important to not confuse sensations with emotions. While emotions do have accompanying sensations, the emotions themselves are not sensations.

For instance, think about fear. Fear is an emotion that, for me anyway, comes all wrapped up with the sensations of extreme clenching in my stomach, constriction in my chest and pressure in my throat.

Here are some more examples: tingling is a sensation. Anger is not. Queasy is. Longing isn’t. Relaxed is. Happy is not.

For a partial list of sensations to help you get into Sensation Speak, click here.

In short, speaking Sensation involves using words based on the five senses to describe whatever you are experiencing in your body.

What does ‘good’ really mean?

A friend asks you how you are. Without really thinking about it, you answer, “Good!” In that moment, you mean it. You really do feel good.

But, what does ‘good’ mean? How do you know that you feel good?

Enter sensations: TaDa!

Scan your body… what do you notice? Is there a sense of expansiveness in your chest? Perhaps you feel an overall sense of lightness and space throughout your body. Perhaps you are experiencing something entirely different that to you feels good.

What word other than ‘good’ could you use to give a more body-based description of how you are?

Sometimes, starting with pain makes speaking Sensation easier.

Although it may sound strange, it is often much easier to speak Sensation when describing pain. In general, most people have a fairly extensive pain-based sensation vocabulary–extensive compared to words describing a state of wellbeing and comfort, that is.

So, let’s do a quick exercise. And yes, I’m doing it too. :)

Step 1: Scan your body and choose your favorite tension-holding body part. For the purposes of this exercise, choose an area of chronic, lower-grade tension. Avoid areas of recent injury or high-intensity pain.

Ex: I’m tuning into my right knee.

Step 2: Allow yourself to just notice what is happening there on the level of sensation. You can refer to the list here for words if you get stuck. (And, yes, stuck is a great sensation word!).

Ex: Initially, I noticed a pulling in the back of my thigh, a tingling going down my shin and this dullness directly under my kneecap.

Step 3: Give yourself 3-5 minutes to continue noticing and watching (witnessing) that part of your body. As you pay attention to it (without trying to fix or change it), what happens? Does the sensation stay the same or does it change? If it changes, what sensation word would now describe it?

Ex: the pulling sensation dissipated; the tingling in the shin increased momentarily and then decreased; the dullness became more of an ache and then I noticed a gentle pulsing beneath the kneecap. Interesting!

“The very act of paying attention to your body changes your experience.” –Diane Heller

Sensations give us a very concrete way to interact with and listen to our bodies. It is through this listening, this interaction, this communicating, that our bodies (we) change.

Remember, learning something new takes time.

Do you remember when you first learned how to drive a car? I recall feeling very overwhelmed initially. There was so much to keep track of, so much to do all at once… turn on your blinker, check your mirrors, check your blind-spot, speed up (or slow down), hands at 10 and 2… all that just to change lanes!

I also recall thinking: Soon, all of this will be second nature. Soon, I will be doing all these things at once without even thinking about them. And soon (very soon) I was.

It’s the same process with learning to speak sensation. At first, it may feel overwhelming. You may find yourself getting frustrated and wondering if you will ever be able to

notice/be aware of sensations in your body and
be able to describe them in a meaningful way.

That’s ok. That’s normal. Just give yourself time, keep practicing, and eventually you will be able to speak Sensation without even thinking about it. Eventually, you will be fluent in the language of the body.

For you (if you so desire):

Over the next week, play with speaking Sensation. You can repeat the exercise described above with the same or some other part of your body.

Or, when someone asks how you are, pause, notice the sensations in your body, and see if you can find a sensation word to describe what you are experiencing in that particular moment. You just might surprise yourself!

9 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care, Speaking Sensation

It’s Sensational! The Never-Ending List of Sensations

February 8, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 3 Comments

This is a list of sensations or words based on the five senses (taste, touch, sound, smell, sight). Sensations are a fantastic way to describe whatever is going on in your body.

I’ve divided this list up into categories that kind of make sense to me. The categories are very, very loose so keep that in mind when looking for a word to describe a sensation you are experiencing.

The list is incomplete! Can you think of more words to describe sensations? If so, add them in the comments. And, yes, absolutely, made up words are not only allowed but desired! Click here if you want to know what to do with this list.

Sensations that just won’t stay still:

Shaky
Trembly
Throbbing
Pounding
Fluttery
Shivery
Queasy
Wobbly
Bubbly
Dizzy
Spacey
Breathless

Sensations that have a nerve-quality:

Prickly
Electric
Tingling
Nervy
Twitchy
Burning
Radiating
Referring
Buzzy
Itchy

The ‘Feel Stabby Much’ List:

Tense
Tight
Constricted
Clenched
Knotted
Hot
Full
Sweaty

Sensations that often signal wellbeing and vitality:

Calm
Energized
Smooth
Streaming
Warm
Cool
Relaxed
Open
Light
Spacious
Airy
Releasing
Expanded
Expansive
Flowing
Floating
Fluid
Draining

And, many, many more. Want to know what to do with this list? Click here!

3 Comments Filed Under: Self-Care, Speaking Sensation

The Danger of Adding your Self-Care Thing to your To-Do List

January 26, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 3 Comments

Have you ever had something you love turn into a giant, pressure-laden ‘should?’

For instance:

One day, you don’t make it to the gym (or yoga, meditation, running, whatever it is that nourishes and supports you). You feel guilty, you beat yourself up, you tell yourself how you’ll make up for it with an extra long workout tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and again, somehow, the day slides by and you don’t go to the gym. The guilt and the pressure to do the workout compounds…as does your resistance to actually going.

Now, when you think of going to the gym, all you feel is guilt and dread.

Now, something you love is just another item on your To-Do List.

Our Bodies – The To-Do List

Most people make lists (in their heads at least if not on paper) of all the things they need to do throughout the day.

Let’s do the same with the needs of our bodies. Take a moment and think about all the things your body needs in order to thrive (yes, thrive!) throughout the day. Go ahead and write those things down if you want. I did.

Keep in mind that my To-Do List is based on what I know makes my body feel nourished and supportive. You list may look similar. It may look very different.

Water

Healthy food

Rest (naps)

Reasonable time to bed

Getting up before 8

Daily exercise – walking, hiking, taiji, gentle yoga

Meditation

Spending time in nature

Being with people I love

Limiting my time on the computer/internet

Just out of curiosity, I asked my body what it needs.

The list, although essentially the same, had a very different quality to it. A quality of playfulness, of being in the moment, of lightness and goofiness. It definitely didn’t have a To-Do quality to it. Here’s that list:

Feed me (food that helps me feel good, please).

Walk me.

Let me rest.

Oh! Oh! I want to be with others.

Ok, now, let me sleep.

I want to be creative, to do something new.

More exercise please.

Water!

Stretch me.

Let me be still now.

Yep, more movement. I like moving!

Breath.

It’s pretty obvious from my lists that movement is a very important part of my body feeling good. I’m guessing it’s a big one on your list as well. And, like me, I’m guessing you often don’t do all the moving your body may desire.

We know our bodies love to move. We know we feel best when we are supporting our bodies in their need for exercise. So, why aren’t we ecstatically pouncing on every possible opportunity to move?

Things that feel good sometimes become SHOULDS and then we don’t do them.

Here’s an example:

First thing this morning, I went for a walk. The sun was almost shining (Go Portland!), the birds were singing their tiny hearts out and I felt so alive as I walked to the lovely gem of a park just down the street from my house.

Half a block out my door, I thought: “Wow, walking first thing feels amazing. This would be such a great way to start my day every morning.”

Instantly, I felt a slight twinge of panic. A clenching in my stomach. A tightening through my chest constricting my breath.

Even though I so love morning walks, the instant I thought about adding it to my daily To-Do List (which to me translates into ‘something I have to do’), the pressure started to build.

I don’t like feeling pressured.

When I feel pressured to do something, I resist that something. Even if that something feels really great and supports my wellbeing.

Twisted? Yeah. But, that’s what happens for me.

Just like that, something I love turns into a big, fat, ugly, pressure-filled SHOULD. And, just like that, I’m not going to do it.

Now, let’s talk about ways to sustain supportive practices.

First, keep in mind that what works for someone else, may not work for you. Perhaps your friend talks endlessly about how great yoga makes her feel. But you, you just get all stressed out trying to force your body into the various poses. Not a good fit.

Which leads to:

How to make certain your thing actually does nourish and support you.

I think the best indicator is how you feel after doing it.

Does your body feel more relaxed and calm?

How about your thoughts? Is your mind calmer and more relaxed?

What about your emotions? Do you feel more peaceful and connected to yourself and to the world around you?

If you can say YES! to all three, you’ve likely found a good fit for you.

Be gentle, gentle, gentle with yourself if you don’t do the thing.

The quickest way to turn something into a non-supportive activity is to make it something you have to do. For it to be another item on your To-Do List.

If you find yourself feeling guilty or beating yourself up for not doing your thing, step back and take a look at the bigger picture. Is the sun still shining (behind the clouds, that is, if you live on the West Coast)? Are the birds still doing their bird-thing? In short, life goes on.

In this situation, the most supportive thing you can do is give yourself some slack. The world’s not going to end just because you didn’t do your thing.

Give yourself total and absolute permission to NOT DO the thing.

We are human. No matter how twisted it may seem, it is normal to not do the thing that we know makes us feel good. That’s ok.

The more permission we give ourselves to do or not do (based on what our bodies want in the moment versus on some To-Do List), the more likely we are to actually DO the thing.

Because the pressure isn’t there. Which means there is nothing to resist. Which means we can truly go and do the thing. Because it makes us feel good.

And, because we (our bodies) love feeling good.

3 Comments Filed Under: Self-Care

Grayness, Preferences, Making Decisions… Color!

January 12, 2010 By Larisa Koehn 3 Comments

It’s January. It’s gray. It’s dreary.

Is your mood reflecting the weather? Do you feel gloomy, lost, confused, unfocused? Are you having a hard time making decisions or knowing what really matters to you?

If so, you are in the right place.

Let’s start with a story.

Just prior to the holidays, I had so much energy and enthusiasm. I knew what I wanted, where I was going and how I was getting there.

As 2009 ended and 2010 began, I found myself feeling gray. Just gray. A grayness that clogged my head, swirled around my body, and smothered any excitement or happiness I may have normally felt.

I had no sense of myself, of what was important to me, or of what I wanted. Even very small decisions were completely unmanageable. Discussions with my boyfriend went like this:

Boyfriend: So, you hungry?

Me: Dunno.

Boyfriend: Well, I’m hungry. What do you want to eat?

Me: Dunno.

Boyfriend: How about (something or another that I wouldn’t even really hear).

Me: Sure.

Man, life was exciting. (Please note the sarcasm).

A small part of me knew there were all these things that I wanted, even needed, to be doing. The larger part was having nothing to do with it.

Actually, that gives the grayness too much personality. Let’s try again: the larger part (the grayness) just said, nothing. Blah. Ugh. Nothing.

So, there I remained, steeped in grayness.

Until…one day, after yet another conversation where I had absolutely no opinion, it dawned on me.

I really didn’t know what I wanted. I had completely lost touch with one of the things that gives my life color.

What was that thing?

My preferences.

What is a preference? You ask. Well, let me tell you.

In Ortho-Bionomy-speak, a preference is that which feels more comfortable out of two options.

For instance, if you were on my table with hip pain, I might rotate your thigh first internally and then externally. I would ask you which rotation felt more comfortable.

In this example, comfort would be indicated by an increased sense of relaxation, or a decreased sense of pain and/or tension in the hip.

Basically, I would help you recognize and choose comfort in your body; I would help you recognize your preferred position.

[Preferred Position: more Ortho-speak simply meaning the position in which the body is the most comfortable.]

When our bodies are properly aligned, when we have nourishing relationships and supportive self-care systems in place, it’s easy to know what feels good and to have preferences.

However, things happen that disconnect us from our preferences.

Back to my story for a bit. My grayness indicated a disconnection from my preferences, from my sense of comfort, from my Self.

This disconnect can happen in innumerable ways: physical trauma, emotional distress, the weather, or even just repeatedly doing a job you don’t like.

What serves to disconnect varies from person to person.

For me, the disconnect this time stemmed from spending five days in a situation where everything was superficially pleasant but teaming with tension and anxieties underneath.

This situation wouldn’t be a big deal for many people. Yeah, it may be unpleasant but it’s not going to totally spin them off into this world of preference-less grayness.

For me, however, this situation triggered all sorts of icky, unresolved, childhood stuff.

Stuff around being told that what I was feeling (tense, anxious) was wrong, and that everything was fine (when it wasn’t).

Stuff around being told repeatedly to ‘smile and fake it’ so others would like me and I wouldn’t be made fun of as a little girl.

From these childhood experiences, I learned two things:

I couldn’t trust what I felt because it was wrong according to those older and therefore wiser than me.

I couldn’t trust what others said either. I knew this because what I said or showed the world was often very different from what I truly felt.

These learnings basically left me very confused and distrustful as a child. I didn’t know who or what to believe. I didn’t trust those around me. I didn’t trust myself.

In short, being subjected to a very similar environment as an adult to the one I was in as a child spun me back into that place of distrust, confusion and not knowing.

Into grayness.

Into the Land of No Preferences.

Which can be a pretty scary place.

So, how can you ascend from the grayness of no preferences into the color of knowing what feels right to you?

Well, that’s where we’re going now. I have a few thoughts.

Start small. Ask yourself a small, rather meaningless question. Do I like this or this?

If possible, make the question something you can feel in your body. For example, do I want to lie down or sit right now? Try it. Sit in a chair and notice how your body feels. Then, lie down on a bed or on the floor. How does that feel? Which option feels more relaxing in your body?

Give yourself two options ONLY at a time. Do I want a bath or a shower? Again, put yourself in both situations (this time in your imagination). Which option feels more relaxing and nourishing?

Refine your choice. For instance, if you decided lying down is your preference, you could further refine your choice through asking: Do I want my knees supported or do I like lying flat? Again, try both and find out.

How preferences bring you back to YOU.

As you rediscover your preferences using relaxation and comfort in your body as your guide, you begin to reconnect with yourself. And then, decisions become easier to make.

You are able to use that sense of comfort in your body to make whatever decision you may be facing… from what to eat for dinner to what your next step is in your work or in your life.

Preferences! I gots ‘em! Lots of them!

Having preferences, knowing and being able to choose what makes you feel relaxed, strong, and resilient is awesome. Decisions become easier, conversations more interesting, life more engaging.

With preferences back in your life, the grayness will be washed away and your life will once again be filled with color.

And that, I think, is something worth celebrating even on the grayest of days!

3 Comments Filed Under: Ortho-Bionomy, Self-Care

The Phases of Ortho-Bionomy: Bringing You Home

December 31, 2009 By Larisa Koehn 4 Comments

The Phases (or Moods) of Ortho-Bionomy are the key to the depth and healing potential of this work. However, I’ve yet to read a really clear, fairly concise explanation of what they are or how they feel.

So, here’s my experiential explanation of the phases from two perspectives: both as a practitioner of this system and as a person who has had the good fortune to receive a whole lot of it as a client.

Phase 4 – Yes, the phases start at 4; there are explanations ‘why’, all boring, so I’m skipping them:

What is it? Osteopathic-based techniques; mostly positional release. Positioning the body in a way that relieves pain and allows tight muscles to relax and release.

No forceful or abrupt movements are used. All movements are performed within the comfort range of the client. If something resists being moved in a particular way (or the movement causes pain or increased tension), we don’t move it that way! It’s that simple. And, it is completely counter to most other approaches.

How does it feel? The movements are gentle and are away from pain and towards comfort. There is a lot of checking in which leads to a sense of safety and confidence that whatever is hurting won’t be further hurt or injured. The feeling (mood) is crisp, clear, grounded, and very present.

Phase 5 – The dance:

What is it? The practitioner initiates a small movement and then lets the client’s body unwind on its own. The practitioner, for the most part, gets out of the way and supports the client’s body in making whatever movement it wants to make. Phase 5 is client directed although the client most often isn’t aware that they are the one leading.

How does it feel? The mood is rather floaty and dreamy. I think of this Phase as drifting off to Lala-Land. It’s very pleasant and refreshing. Imagine taking a nap on soft moss, under a giant tree, by a gurgling brook on a summer day. This is Phase 5.

Phase 6: Where things begin to get wacky.

What is it? Phase 6 is the energetic aspect of Ortho-Bionomy and how this looks/feels varies greatly from practitioner to practitioner depending on their particular gifts and skill level. In general, the point isn’t to move, remove or direct energy anywhere. Rather, the focus is to deepen awareness of what is happening on an energetic level and to then allow the inherent wisdom of the client’s body direct what happens next.

How it feels varies greatly. For the most part this phase feels soft, comforting and super soothing. Sometimes there is a rise and fall in intensity, a sense of something coming forward (perhaps a physical discomfort becoming momentarily more intense or maybe an emotion welling up briefly). A gradual softening, a letting go, and an enhanced sense of wellbeing generally follow these more intense sensations.

Phase 7: The really weird stuff.

What is it? Originally, Phase 7 was distance work. You know, quantum physics, “a butterfly beats its wings….” Stuff like that. And yes, it works. I’ve worked successfully with headaches, heartaches, you name it, from a distance and, reliably, the client responds favorably.

There is another way, my preferred way, to think about Phase 7 – where being in Phase 7 becomes synonymous with being in right relationship.

For me, as a practitioner, this means Phase 7 is about monitoring myself. What is coming up in me in relation to the client I’m working with? What do I feel or notice in myself in relation to their pain, or to whatever story they are presenting? It’s the work I do within myself while working with the client.

It’s this monitoring of myself and constantly re-finding right relationship (that sense of ease and comfort within myself in relation to whatever is going on with the client) that actually makes it possible for anything to shift or change within a session. This I believe, anyway.

How does Phase 7 feel for the client? Well, when I, as the practitioner, am in right relationship (Phase 7), the client feels seen, heard, fully accepted and absolutely safe. The client is able to relax fully into the moment and into their bodies. The client is able to begin to become more present with themselves and with whatever it is in their bodies or their lives that is causing pain or distress. The client begins to find right relationship with his/herself.

The end result???

In reality, the phases co-exist simultaneously throughout the session and, in the end, the client re-discovers him/herself.

The client finding right relationship with his/herself is what makes Ortho-Bionomy so wondrous to me. I absolutely love watching clients come home to themselves time after time. And then, watching their lives change as a result.

And, from the perspective of a client, this coming home to myself is the best part of Ortho-Bionomy.

Yeah, I love that I feel more relaxed and that the painful parts of my body feel better. But, the real juice and the feeling that keeps me going back is how deeply connected I feel to myself after a session. And how, slowly, over time, I’m learning to stay connected to myself in my day to day life.

There really is no better feeling than that.

Want a more basic introduction to Ortho-Bionomy? Click here.

4 Comments Filed Under: Ortho-Bionomy, Right Relationship

A Rather Goofy Suggestion for Coping with the Remainder of 2009

December 22, 2009 By Larisa Koehn 4 Comments

Initially, I wanted to write something about the New Year. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that

a) we aren’t there yet and

b) where we are is smack-dab in the middle of holiday madness.

So, instead, I have a rather goofy suggestion to help you cope with whatever chaos, melt-down, or overwhelm you may be experiencing right now, 8 days prior to 2010.

Let’s start with some background:

A few years ago I attended a workshop at Asilomar in Monterey, California. One afternoon we played with consciously varying our internal state while our hands were on or partner’s shoulders.

The facilitator asked us to touch our partners as if they were young children, crying, with scraped knees. Then, as if our partners were fragile, elderly people on their deathbed. Next, as if they were grief-stricken friends, then as strangers, followed by lovers, followed by clients in pain, etc.

Our partners, by the way, only participated through giving us feedback on the quality of our touch, not through pretending to be any of the people described above.

The point was to make it obvious that we naturally and unconsciously vary how we relate to (how we touch) people depending on the situation and our level of familiarity with them.

And, that the qualities coming through our hands are determined more by our personal internal states versus anything that is happening externally.

During the exercise, the quality of my touch did change. It became soothing and calm with the crying child, sensual while imagining the lover, gentle and compassionate with the elderly person.

This exercise blew my mind.

I discovered how all those qualities (compassion, sensuality, gentleness…) existed within me independent of whatever was happening around me. That my partner didn’t actually have to be in tears in order for me to access, for example, the quality of compassion.

What does all this mean?

Well, today, it means we get to play! We get to use our imaginations to help us access different internal states or qualities that will make it easier for us to survive the rest of the holidays.

Let’s start with two ways to connect with different qualities/internal states.

Just ask for them. For example, say your mother-in-law is driving you crazy and you really want to keep the peace. So, ask for compassion (or whatever quality would be helpful for you). Then, give yourself a moment to be quiet and receptive and see/feel what happens.
Now, honestly, this approach isn’t actually very effective for me but I know it works well for some people. If you are one of them, great. You can stop reading now. Although, if you do, you’re going to miss all the upcoming silliness. :)

Do like I did in the exercise and imagine (in this case) the crazy-making mother-in-law in a state that would naturally elicit the quality of compassion within you.

Here’s where it gets goofy.

Just how extreme of a situation will you have to put your mother-in-law into in order to truly be able to feel compassion? Will just seeing her as a fellow human being be enough or will you have to take it further?

For me, depending on the situation, I may be imagining knife wounds, her house aflame, ninjas descending…

Note: just thinking about exaggerating things like this makes me laugh. Which, in itself, shifts my internal state. Nice!

Perhaps I’m so fed up with (to stay with the above example) my mother-in-law that I can’t even imagine a scenario that would lead to me feeling any sort of companionable emotions.

In this case, perhaps I’d have to take the imagination to yet another level. Maybe I could imagine the mother-in-law as an adorable abandoned puppy looking up at me with sad, hopeful eyes. How can that not melt my heart?

The important thing is to just keep playing with different scenarios until you find one that allows you to access a more easy-going internal state in relation to the mother-in-law.

Final suggestion – shifting your relationship to yourself.

So, we’ve talked about shifting your relationship to the other and doing whatever it takes to feel love and compassion and kindness towards them. But, what about you?

You’re the one that is going crazy and feeling overwhelmed. Can you apply this same approach to yourself?

Here’s two suggestions:

First, use something external (like the mother-in-law) and imagine her in a situation that elicits the quality of compassion within you. Then, take the focus off of her and simply feel and enjoy that quality of compassion for yourself.

Sounds great, right?

Often, though, I find it difficult to truly feel compassion (or kindness, love, whatever) for myself.

So, the second approach involves imagining myself in some dire predicament (perhaps the very predicament that is causing me distress in the moment).

Here’s how:

Take a moment and imagine a second version of you. See yourself fully and vividly. See all the chaos and stress around this copy of you.

Is it possible for you to feel any compassion for that second you?

If so, let yourself feel it fully and, if you want, you can even imagine sending that imagined version of you all the compassion, kindness, and love it can possibly handle.

And, since you are that second version, you will be both the receiver and the giver.

Lovely, simply lovely.

So, that’s what I’m going to be playing with for the rest of 2009. Using imagination and exaggeration to access whatever quality will be the most helpful for me in the moment.

Do you want to play?

4 Comments Filed Under: Right Relationship, Self-Care

How to Bring a Little Ease into Your Holiday Season

December 8, 2009 By Larisa Koehn 7 Comments

It’s the holidays… perhaps you’ve noticed? Festive music, garish signs advertising who-knows-what, parties, lights, and of course, tons of additional external and internal pressure.

Right?

Over the past week, I’ve been in a funk. Totally disoriented and paralyzed by this vague sense of things I should be, want to be, and need to be accomplishing. Like, NOW.

The problem is, there is no real clarity of what those things are or how important they actually are in the grand scheme of things. (most likely not very). I do know they are all holiday related which makes it even more frustrating because, in general, I do as little holiday stuff as possible.

Have you been experiencing anything similar (stress, pressure, additional shoulds, wants, needs)? If so, give the following process a try. It’s quick and simple and may just bring a bit more ease into your holiday. It did for me.

Step 1: Make a pressure-filled list:

Get out a piece of scratch paper and list everything (yes, everything!) you feel pressured by or think you should/want/need to be doing this holiday season. Give yourself no more than 2-3 minutes to make this list.

Here’s mine (ignore the letters for now):

Presents/cards for parents, siblings + spouses, niece + niece/nephew on the way, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins…. (A)

Appreciation gifts for clients, colleagues, friends, mentors. In short, all the people who inspire support and love me. (B)

Find the perfect gift/surprise for my partner. (A)

All the gifts, by the way, must total $100 (cash is tight right now) AND they must be super thoughtful, meaningful and tailored to each individual person. (How’s that for a little pressure?) (C)

Decorate the house. (C)

Find the perfect holiday outfit, or at least a new shirt. (C)

Make treats to take to the in-laws (healthy, low-sugar, mind-blowingly-great-tasting treats, of course). (B)

Do extra volunteer work. (B)

Attend the various events, parties, etc I’ve been invited to attend. (C)

Run some awesome holiday themed business promotion. (C)

Host a small dinner party. (A)

Funny thing about my list?

A lot of the stuff on it never happens (like gifts for everyone), is not really expected by anyone, and still I feel pressured! It’s the holidays indeed. (Shakes head in dismay).

Alright, got your list? Let’s move on to Step 2.

Just look at your list. How does it feel to actually see all the stuff you are supposed to be doing?

For me, just writing the list was a huge relief. I was quickly able to see so many unrealistic expectations I had and how much unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself.

Step 3: Categorize the list.

No, not the way you’re thinking.

What I want you to do is look at your list one item at a time and notice what happens in your heart as you read it. Does your heart lift a bit? Or, does it sink? Maybe there isn’t really any reaction at all.

Heart too far fetched? Well, maybe you notice a sense of lightness or relaxation in your body when reading some. Perhaps more tension and heaviness with others.

As you read the list, place an A by the items that feel lighter, a B by the neutral ones and a C by the heavy items.

Do this part quickly (the checking in and assigning letters). Don’t think about it. Just read the item, notice your body, jot down a A, B or C and move on. Your first instinct is right on. Trust me. Ok, actually, trust yourself. :)

And, don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you to not do the things you put a C beside. That’s not the point of this exercise. The point is to just check in and see what your body, your heart, has to say on these matters.

If you are curious how this step went for me, take a look at the numbers at the end of each item in the list above.

Anything odd or surprising happen looking at your list in this way?

Looking at my list, I was surprised to realize the idea of hosting a small party was actually very appealing to me while attending events felt like a huge, heavy chore.

Also, while my heart does feel really happy when thinking about giving gifts to loved ones, the pressure I was putting on myself to make them a certain way (thoughtful, unique, meaningful, perfect) was taking away any joy I felt in giving. Not fun!

So, what do you do with this information?

Here are my suggestions:

Treat the list lightly. The point is to give you a sense of where your priorities really are, based on your heart vs external or internal pressures.

Give yourself permission to not do one of the things that you rated B or C. Assuming you can do this in a way that feels safe and comfortable, of course.

Give yourself permission to devote extra time to one of the heart lifting items on your list. If there were no As, consider making it a priority to do something non-holiday related that does nourish and support you on a regular basis (whether that is exercise, reading, movies, tea with a close friend, etc). This is loving and taking care of *you* during the holidays. This is finding balance during pressure filled times.

The key is to give yourself permission.

To do what you want to do, yes.

To not do the things you don’t want to do, yes.

Also, to *do* the things you’d rather not as well.

Because, it’s the holidays. And, most likely, we are going to be doing some things we don’t want. That’s ok.

So, go ahead and give yourself permission to both do the thing and to totally hate and dread it. In my opinion, allowing yourself to feel what you are actually feeling (and acknowledging those feelings “wow, I really hate decorating for the holidays…”) is a very healthy thing to do.

What I’m going to keep in mind is that I’m consciously choosing to, for instance, attend a particular holiday function – because I value community and supporting others. I’ll give myself permission to dread it and hate being there (if that’s how I’m feeling). AND, I’ll give myself permission to leave whenever I want to go snuggle on the couch with my boyfriend – because that’s how I find balance.

Yay! Snuggling.

I’m curious.

What surprised you about your list? What things are you going to give yourself permission to do or not do? I’d love to hear about them. You can leave a comment here or email me directly.

7 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care