It’s very, very early morning. That gray, pre-dawn time as the world begins to brighten. The sun has not yet popped up over the horizon but it is obviously on its way.

I’m all snuggled up in bed, warm and cozy. Then, abruptly, all hell breaks loose.

Our backyard scrub jays begin shrieking. And shrieking and shrieking. In fact, it sounds as if they have invited all their neighborhood friends into the walnut tree directly outside my bedroom window. To shriek.

The raucous, it was enormous.

Too sleepy to drag my protesting body out of bed to see just what the commotion was all about, I just listened until, about 10-15 minutes later, all became quiet once more.

I tumble back into sleep. Morning fully arrives, I get up and eventually I recall the ruckus and decide to investigate.

I have a good idea what I will find and indeed, curled up in a hollow of the walnut tree, a good 20 feet off the ground, is a pile of gray fluff. A raccoon!

Now, whatever you happen to think of raccoons is fine.

I happen to adore them. Actually, I happen to adore any undomesticated animal and a lot of domesticated ones as well.

Anyway, I felt so indescribably happy standing there on the roof peering up into the hollow.

Graced with the presence of urban wildlife – young urban wildlife at that. This particular raccoon was not even half grown – likely born just this past spring.

He (she?) shifted and suddenly, up briefly popped a second head. There were two!

Oh! The happiness! It compounded.

They shifted around a bit more, eyes half closed. Eventually one of them settled back into sleep with his head cradled on the edge of the hollow.

As I watched, he sank deeper into sleep. As his body became more and more relaxed, his head slid along the edge of the hollow until his neck and head were basically dangling outside the hollow.

Oblivious, he slept on.

Learn to relax like a raccoon.

I sent my dad this picture and he texted back: “New goal… learn to relax like a raccoon.”

What can a raccoon teach us about relaxing and about being ourselves?

Last summer I watched a fully-grown raccoon returning to our neighbors giant Doug Fir. The jays shrieked and dove. The raccoon, completely oblivious, continued along its raccoon path and eventually curled up somewhere in the deep recesses of the fir.

The raccoon was completely unperturbed by the rants and attacks of the jays.

*SIDENOTE: of course, the jays are attacking because raccoons are predators and do raid their nests. However, the times I’m referring to here are times when the raccoon is returning from her nightly forage to sleep, no longer in hunting mode.

Just an afternoon prior to the morning initially described, the jays had suddenly started shrieking and I went to investigate. A raccoon was nestled in the same hollow. He was awake but absolutely relaxed and ambivalent to the jays screaming above him.

He was just a raccoon doing his raccoon thing.

Which got me to thinking…

The more I am me, doing the things that are meaningful to me and living my life as closely aligned with the qualities (love, kindness, compassion…) I treasure, the less the attacks of others will affect me.

In fact, it’s likely I won’t even perceive the unkind words or actions of others (or the world in general) as a threat at all. It is just them being them. I am just me, being me.

Nature is an inescapable model for being yourself.

Nature simply can’t be other than it is. In truth, we can’t be other than we are either.

Most of us do, however, spend a ridiculous amount of energy attempting to be (or to appear) other than we are.

While the reasons for this are many and varied, the more time we spend observing nature (especially while in Owl Eyes), the more these reasons fall away.

Spending even just a couple of minutes watching a bird, a squirrel, a deer (or a beloved pet) brings us back to ourselves. That animal simply can’t be other than it is. On some level, whether consciously or not, we are reminded that we also can’t be other than we are.

This state of *being* calls out to the deepest parts of ourselves.

That part of you that simply is you. That part of me that is unshakably me.

We are reminded that we are enough, that we belong, just as we are.

Knowing these truths, we can let go of our guarding and tension. We can relax… just like the raccoon.

Close your eyes and listen. Name 5 sounds you hear.

Now, close your eyes again and listen a bit more closely. What is the closest sound you can hear? The sound furthest away? What is the quietest sound?

Ok, now that you are in tuned into your sense of hearing, let’s talk about listening.

The off-the-top-of-my-head stages of listening:

1. Hearing the sound. Screech! Beep, beep, beep.
2. Understanding the sound (prescribing meaning to the sound). The garbage truck is backing up.
3. Hearing the sound and noticing the feeling in the sound. Look out! Danger! Alert!
4. Hearing the sound and noticing and claiming your own response to it. For me, anxiety, frustration, tension in my stomach. Sensitive Ear Girl hates the abrupt, annoying noise.

In conversation with another person, the stages may look like this:

1. She’s speaking. I hear words.
2. Oh, she wants me to pick up some eggs at the store.
3. Hmmm, she sounds stressed. Her body is tense. I wonder if she is having a hard day?
4. Wow. As she is talking to me, I’m starting to feel stressed and tense. This tension and pressure is building in my stomach and chest.

Listening versus Magical Listening

I was in a workshop the weekend before last. We practiced this exercise that really demonstrated the power of Magical Listening.

And yes, I know I haven’t described what makes listening magical yet. I will soon. Rest assured. :)

We were in pairs. One person told a story about something difficult or challenging or painful happening in their life. The other listened.

As the listener, I watched as my partner went from being quite upset and frustrated, to being sad and depressed, to being angry and then…. to describing insight after insight into what this event meant within the full context of her life.

Epiphany after epiphany rolled out of her. Her energy went from heavy and stuck to flowing and excited. An injury that was associated with her story released a bit and she suddenly experienced more ease of movement and less pain in that part of her body.

All I did was listen.

Ok, that’s not all I did. We’re still getting to that. :)

First, have you ever been in a situation where a friend is coming to you, distraught, with some painful story?

As a listener, what did you do?

Perhaps you listened quietly. Perhaps you interrupted and offered a different perspective. Perhaps you gave some thoughtful advice.

Yes, they did feel better. They were comforted and heard – very powerful, necessary things.

What if, however, it is possible for them to *also* receive insight, resolution and transformation?

That’s the difference between listening and Magical Listening.

Listening is Stage 3 – hearing the words and paying attention to body language and the underlying emotion and feelings as someone is talking.

Magical Listening is Stage 4 – noticing what happens in you as the other is speaking.

Paying attention to yourself and your own responses while engaged with another is what makes Magical Listening possible. It creates this incredible sense of safety and connection.

It allows for the other person to feel heard and comforted, yes. It also allows them re-find their own sense of wellbeing and to receive insights about their stuff from themselves.

(How and Why this occurs is the subject for another time.)

Now, there is a bit more to it than just noticing your own reactions and responses as the other speaks. Specifically, there are 3 parts:

Notice (acknowledge)

Feel (exaggerate)

Release (re-find your own sense of wellbeing)

Let’s practice!

Through reading these words you are, in a sense, listening to me. And, you are likely experiencing some kind of response. Tune into that response.

What do you notice…

…in your thoughts?

…in your emotions?

…in the sensations in your body?

Whatever it is (calmness, boredom, anxiety, tension, tightness, expansiveness…), just notice it. Just allow it to be there.

Notice – Feel – Release

Now that you’ve noticed your own response to my words, you can acknowledge it and let yourself feel it.

For instance: hmmm, there is this pressure in my throat and tension in my stomach. I’m feeling anxious – not sure if I’m doing this right or if I can do it at all.

Often, just noticing and acknowledging your response is enough for it to let go and for you to return to a place of greater calm and wellbeing.

Other-times, it may take a bit more mindfulness to let go of whatever arises in you.

The quickest and easiest way I know to release tension is to exaggerate it, hold the exaggeration, and then let it go on its own.

For instance: I place my awareness on the pressure in my throat and use my mind to consciously increase the pressure there.

For the gripping in my stomach, I can clench my stomach a bit tighter, exaggerating that pattern of tension in my body.

With emotions, I find and exaggerate the physical sensations associated with for example, anxiety, in my body OR I can simply intensify the emotion itself.

What about that urge to help?

Or to interrupt? To offer suggestions? Or advice?

Same thing. Notice the urge, find the physical sensations associated with the urge in your body, consciously exaggerate the urge and then, let it go.

For all of the above, being in Owl Eyes helps immensely – Owl Eyes allows you to feel the feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Magical Listening isn’t easy, at least not at first. It takes play and practice.

It requires listening to yourself through monitoring your emotions, your sensations, your urges, and then not acting on any of them externally.

Instead, all of the work happens inside of you. You notice your reaction, you allow yourself to fully feel it and then… you let it go.

You change yourself.

You return to your sense of wellbeing.

Through re-connecting with your wellbeing, you energetically model how to return to wellbeing for your friend.

A deep sense of safety, connection and comfort is established and your friend begins to experience increased wellbeing simply due to your Magical Listening skills. Insights, transformation and resolution of patterns becomes possible.

It feel like magic. It is magic.

Comment magic:

I love to hear your thoughts, however deep or mundane. Just saying hi works too. :)

What does this whole concept of Magical Listening spark in you? Have you ever listened in this way (or been listened to)?

Reminder: last time, I began an exploration into what it means to conceal less, reveal more. This exploration was initiated in large part due to a discussion with a mentor who made it very clear that “What you conceal cannot be healed.”

So, onward!

Fear!

Yes, you heard me: fear.

It’s what comes up, for me at least, whenever I’m in a situation that triggers feelings I don’t want others to see.

Keep in mind, when I talk about revealing more, I’m talking mostly about allowing ourselves to feel feelings in the moment vs stuffing them down or pretending everything is fine when, on the inside, it’s not.

So, fear.

Let’s brainstorm. What is it that makes revealing so scary, so perilous?

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far; add in your particular fears as well.

Fear of:

• being mocked or laughed at.
• being abandoned.
• you seeing how insecure I feel.
• not being liked.
• being seen as small-minded. If I let you know what I really think or feel, you might hate me.
• letting you know the things that are particularly hurtful for me. Being afraid of the control that may give you over me. You know my secret; you can now hurt me at will. (So freaking scary!)
• losing our connection or our friendship.
• you not talking or sharing your thoughts with me anymore.
• looking stupid or weak (for crying, feeling hurt, etc).

There are also many reasons to conceal. For instance:

• To appear accepting and non-judgmental.
• To appear strong and secure – you can’t hurt me.
• To protect myself – refer to the last post for more on this theme.
• To hide the effect your words have on me – so you don’t know how much power you have over how I feel.
• To maintain a friendship. If I let you know what I really think of your actions or words, our friendship may end.

Looking at my lists, I’m pretty easily convinced that concealing is the way to go. And, that’s how I’ve lived for most of my life.

I’m also convinced that there is truth in “What you conceal cannot be healed.”

For instance, the more I concealed and repressed my feelings and pretended they didn’t exist, the stronger they became.

The concealing didn’t take them away, didn’t transform them, heal them, or make them easier to deal with.

Instead, they simply became stronger and stronger until the day came when they completely overwhelmed me and I had no choice but to feel them and express them.

Not a situation I would wish on anyone.

Often, when these overwhelming, unwanted feelings arise, *we* don’t even know what is at the root of what we feel.

We just know we feel hurt – or whatever your emotion is that you tend to hide when it arises – maybe anger? or jealousy? sadness? shame? anxiety? depression?… there are plenty to choose from!

Here’s the thing: These feelings we conceal will eventually come up.

They will reveal themselves.

These emotions that we have repressed come up because our bodies, our spirits, are always seeking greater wholeness.

When we conceal some aspect of ourselves, we are not whole. We are constantly investing energy into keeping that part of us separate or hidden.

We do have some choice in the matter. We can choose to consciously interact now with the aspects of ourselves that we conceal. Or, we can choose to continue concealing until life forces us to reveal.

If you choose the conscious interaction route, keep in mind there are certain pitfalls best avoided.

Pitfalls on the Path to Revealing:

1. Revealing to the wrong audience: choosing whom you open yourself up to is crucial. Otherwise, those things you fear will likely come true (mockery, abandonment, not being heard, etc) thus confirming your need to conceal.
2. Revealing because you think you ‘should’: that you should reveal because it is wrong to conceal, for instance. In my experience, revealing my innermost feelings and fears due to a ‘should’ has nearly always backfired. Even when it didn’t backfire, it definitely didn’t lead to any resolution or healing.
3. Revealing in order to heal: doing something with a fixed outcome in mind generally doesn’t work.
4. Not enough Safety established first: in order to reveal yourself to another (or even to yourself) there needs to be a sense of safety. A knowing that you will be heard, respected and held.

   What this means to you may be different than what it means to me. For me, at first, I could only allow myself to experience these overwhelming emotions in the privacy of my own bedroom. I couldn’t let anyone else see me like that; I could barely even write about it in my journal. For me, safety initially was established through privacy.

   Eventually, I began to be able to let others in. Even then, it started more with the people I had a therapeutic relationship with (my therapist and my Ortho-Bionomy mentor) vs my boyfriend or my friends. For me, letting those closest to me see my vulnerabilities was the hardest.

Final thoughts:

Revealing more is an organic process that arises out of you coming into a more natural relationship with yourself.

Our bodies are always moving towards healing – we cut ourselves, our bodies instantly begin to heal.

Likewise, our spirits are always moving towards wholeness. The parts of ourselves that we conceal will eventually be revealed. We don’t even have to do anything to make that happen; it happens naturally.

Through choosing to consciously interact with the feelings we tend to conceal, we have some control over how and when these feelings are revealed.

For you:

I spoke briefly about the form safety took for me. What about you?

How might safety look for you? What would help you feel safe enough to explore those feelings or aspects of yourself that you hide?

I’m going to reveal something: I conceal things.

I conceal things that are precious to me. I conceal thoughts, events, emotions that are shameful or embarrassing.

Most often, I conceal my actual, in-the-moment, feelings – especially if those feelings might reveal too much about my highly sensitive nature, my prejudices, or my insecurities.

In fact, for many years, I was so good at concealing my feelings that I didn’t even know what they truly were.

It took a pretty big life event, now nearly 4 years ago, to begin to change that – an event that isn’t relevant to this post and therefore won’t be revealed (grin).

What you conceal cannot be healed.

Last fall my tendency to conceal was pointed out by a mentor in a way I couldn’t avoid. He made it very clear that ‘what you conceal can never be healed.’

Now, this post isn’t some big confessional. Sure, there are things in my life that are embarrassing and shameful.

What I’m interested in is exploring the nature of concealment.

So, question: What purpose does concealment serve?

*I’m going to answer for myself. Feel free to play along and answer for yourself as well.

Protection. Actually, it’s more like protection, protection, protection. Layers and layers and layers of protection.

• Protection of self – from mockery, abandonment (if my opinions differ from yours you may leave), from allowing you to see the effect your words and actions have on me.
  
  
  If you can’t see how much your words or actions affect/hurt me, you won’t know how much control you have over me and my feelings. I’m a rock, dammit! At least as far as you can see. (Inside, I may be shattering).
• Protection of ideas, dreams, hopes – again, from mockery, from my potential lack of follow-through (more mockery), from being told they are stupid or worthless.

  Like, for instance, my children’s book for adults that no one has read or even knows I’ve written…until right now.

• Protection of private practices – those things that nourish and support me that you might, again, mock or ridicule. Or, that part of me that mocks and ridicules myself.

  Yes, I am a tree-hugging hippy who has to stop and ‘talk’ with every squirrel I see. If you were to catch me, oh, the embarrassment! (Silly squirrel whisperer).

Question: What is needed in order to reveal?

Safety. Layers and layers and layers of safety. Safety which is created in part through:

Permission. Permission to not reveal. Permission to mess up, to hide my feelings, to just hide in general.

And, permission for this whole process to take as long as necessary. Which leads to:

Patience. For most of my life I wasn’t even consciously aware of this tendency to conceal. In many ways, concealment simply was who I was.

I didn’t know how deeply hidden my fragile, sensitive nature had become. I had no idea of my fragility, of the wounded parts of me so in need of my awareness and compassion.

And, initially, as these things began to surface, as they came forward, first revealing themselves to me, I had no idea how to handle them, what to do with this overwhelming rush of feelings.

Feelings I couldn’t even begin to name, to understand, or to sort out. They were just a huge, jumbled mess. I was just a huge, jumbled mess.

So, yes, patience.

And, perspective. Because, looking back over these 4 years, there have been a ton of shifts in this pattern.

It is so important to keep that in mind, to recognize and acknowledge how I now

a) am able to discern my feelings,

b) have tools that help me meet them and

c) often now even feel safe revealing them to others.

These shifts are HUGE.

Sure, this is still a pattern for me. That’s ok. It has permission to be there. Just knowing that it is there and noticing when it is ‘active’ ensures my continual growth into revealing more, concealing less.

This is a really big, and somewhat terrifying, topic for me.

And, it’s one I want to explore through a series of shorter posts versus one really long, ramble-ly one. So, for now:

I’m curious.

What are your thoughts on this whole concealing, revealing, healing topic?

Are there things in your life or in you that you conceal? What purpose does that concealment serve?

And, what might make it safe for you to begin to reveal those fragile parts of yourself so that they can begin to heal? So that you can begin to become more whole?

There’s been this theme running through my days lately. A theme centered around deserving, feeling worthy, and being enough.

Actually, the theme is more about not deserving, not feeling worthy, and not being enough.

For instance, I stumbled across this affirmation a couple of days ago:

“I deserve to be fully healthy, financially stable, and in a healthy love relationship.”

I couldn’t even read it without feeling totally creeped out.

How can I deserve those things? What have I done to be worthy of such gifts?

The Danger of If – Then Thinking

If – Then Thinking:  thoughts like “if I do this, then this other thing will happen.” Followed often, either consciously or unconsciously with the thought “and then I’ll be happy.”

• If I am a good person, then I’ll be loved.
• If I make the bed, clean the house, make healthy food, then I’ll be a good partner, mother, roommate, etc.
• If I meditate, say my prayers, do whatever my spiritual practice is, then I’ll experience peace, abundance and love in my life.
• If I say yes when you ask me to do something, then you will love and accept me.
• If I do more networking, then I’ll have all the business I need and won’t have to worry about money.
• If I do yoga (or run, work-out, etc) every day, then I’ll look great and people will like me.

Of course, there is the flip-side as well.

If I don’t network, then my business will fail.

If I say no to you, then you won’t love and accept me.

If I don’t follow through with my spiritual practice, then I won’t experience peace, abundance and love in my life.

If I tell you what I really think, then you will get mad at me.

If I do something mean, then I deserve to be punished.

If I don’t work out daily, then I’ll look awful and don’t deserve to be loved.

Basically, in If – Then Thinking, we are saying that what we do or don’t do determines whether we deserve love and wellbeing (or punishment and suffering).

In If – Then Thinking our thoughts, words, and actions determine whether or not we deserve the things we most desire… whether those things are qualities like love and peace or more concrete things like financial stability, loving relationships and strong, healthy bodies.

What if we could break out of the cycle of if-then thinking?

What if being enough has nothing at all to do with the things you think, say, or do?

What if you, just you, are enough?

What if you are fully deserving just because you are you?

What if you are worthy of love and health and stability just because you exist?

Now, this is a pretty difficult concept for me.

Most of the time, I’m very stuck in the belief that my thoughts, words, and action determine whether I am worthy.

Here’s some If – Then Thinking that I’ve been noticing in myself over the past few days:

If I am kind and loving and do the things he wants me to do, then my boyfriend will love me and want to stay with me.

Is that true? Nope. I can do everything ‘right’ and he still may leave me.

If I spend this amount of time marketing my business and doing the things a good business-woman should do, then my business will succeed.

True? Not necessarily. It can still fail magnificently.

If I get angry at someone or tell them no, then they will hate me.

True? Again, maybe not. It is possible that I can get angry with someone or even tell them ‘no’ and they will still love me and want to be in my life.

If I am good enough (eat healthfully, get enough sleep, exercise, meditate, spend time with my emotions, etc) then I will be healthy and won’t get debilitating headaches.

True? Well, the past definitely hasn’t shown this to be true.

I want to begin to unravel this thought pattern and to inquire into it (with huge amounts of patience and kindness).

I want to offer (to myself) the possibility that maybe, perhaps, I am enough. I am worthy. I am deserving of love, health and stability.

And, that maybe, possibly, there’s nothing required of me to make me worthy.

That I truly am enough.

Me.

Just me.

As I am.

And, I want to offer to you the same possibility.

That you, just you, are enough.

As you are. Right now.

You are enough.