My Headache Story

April 13, 2011 By 18 Comments

Note: I initially shared a version of following post on my About Page. I removed it a short while later but am now feeling called to share it here.

My ongoing struggle with headaches is still really difficult for me to talk about. I hope that through sharing a bit of my story here, those of you who also experience chronic pain will feel a little less alone.

Pain and I? We go waaaay back.

Once, I tried to estimate the number of days I’ve lost to pain.

You know, truly lost, like lying in bed, incapacitated, lost.

And, the days numbered years. Thinking about that even now fills me with this sense of heaviness, frustration, dread, and sadness.

Having a headache is not ok.

Or, that’s what I believed for a very long time.

That, somehow, having headaches, especially headaches that were so totally out of my control, that left me helpless and hopeless and utterly depressed and unable to function, were somehow a reflection on my character.

That somehow, I was weak or fundamentally flawed.

So, I set out to prove otherwise.

In high school, violent nausea would overcome me in basketball practice. I would dash for the locker room, puke, pause a moment until the shaking and gasping for breath would pass and then return to practice. Never mind that I could barely see the ball or the other players.

In college, believe me, a simple migraine wasn’t going to stop me from going out with friends. If my speech was slurred, well, maybe it could be blamed on the beer.

And, class? I remember shaking and sweating, head pounding, words swimming as I took yet another exam under the influence of extreme pain.

Work followed the same pattern.

I’ve never worked a job that offered health benefits or sick-leave.

If I didn’t work, I wasn’t paid. So, I worked.

After I’d done all that I had to do for the day, then, and only then, would I return to my darkened room and allow myself to be consumed by pain and nausea.

After years of fighting, denying, and repressing the pain, something else started to happen.

All this fear and dread began to creep in.

Yeah, I would still pretend the migraine wasn’t there until it reached a point where I simply couldn’t ignore it and was forced to give in.

But, this other thing began to happen as well.

This insidious, malignant thing.

This thing that whispered thoughts of:

‘What’s the point of doing what you love, of listening to your heart, of dreaming, of even being yourself if it can all be stopped cold by a headache.

And, you will be stopped. The migraine will come.”

I believed those whispers.

So, for a few more years, I essentially stopped.

I did just enough to get by. I tried this, I tried that. Nothing really worked. The headaches continued. Time slipped by.

A change in perspective slowly emerges.

Fortunately, at some point during the ‘just getting by’ years, I discovered and began to study Ortho-Bionomy, the style of bodywork that forms the foundation for my work.

I started applying its principle of being kind and gentle with pain to myself and to my clients. (It was much easier with my clients.)

And, I started listening to my body.

I began to notice and to pay attention to the symptoms that signaled a headache was coming.

With practice, I began to notice the symptoms of a headache earlier and earlier, sometimes even before the headaches reached the point of no return.

And, sometimes, I could even do some self-care and somehow, miraculously, not get a headache.

On occasion, even, I was able to ask for help, to let another see me helpless and vulnerable…. although, honestly, I didn’t believe anyone could help me or relieve the pain.

Which brings us to today, the present.

I still get headaches. I still have days when all I can do is curl up in bed and wait for it to be over.

I still experience the day after when feelings of depression, resentment, and hopelessness replace the physical pain.

These days, however, are fewer. And, when they do occur, I am often able to just let myself have a headache without adding the additional pain of self-hatred and self-condemnation.

The biggest difference is:  I’m no longer alone.

I now have Allies, both internal and external, to turn to when the headaches descend.

Allies who often can relieve the pain when it is beyond what I can handle on my own. Allies who, if they can’t relieve the pain, can support and hold me in the pain.

And, somehow, having Allies makes all the difference in the world.

Comment Magic:

Chronic pain is rough. I just lost yesterday to a migraine and awoke today feeling utterly helpless and hopeless.

And yet, I know these feelings, like the migraine itself, will pass.

They are simply another part of the pattern.  A pattern that has already changed considerably and is continuing to shift as I learn more about how to meet myself and how to ask for help.

There is a even a part of me that feels a certain sense of gratitude for these headaches.

I wouldn’t be here, doing this work, without my history of headaches. I wouldn’t know how to meet your pain without having such intimate experience with pain myself.

So, for today, if you feel inclined to leave a comment, I’d love to hear how you meet pain (whether physical or emotional). What works for you? Who or what are your Allies?

And, as always, just your ‘hello’ is adored as well.

18 Comments Filed Under: Headaches, Listening to Our Bodies, Ortho-Bionomy, Revealing More, Concealing Less

Setting Seasonal Intents

March 22, 2011 By 6 Comments

It’s that time again – the time of year when light and dark are balanced – for a moment at least.

For me this means it is time to review my past Seasonal (90-Day) Intents and set new ones for the next season – Spring!

It’s kind of a 90-Day To-Do list – except that once it’s written, I don’t look at it again. Until the next turn of season, that is.

It’s a practice of mindfully writing out things that I would like to accomplish, qualities I’d like to play with, and my commitments to self-care for the next 90 days.

Today is the day to review past Intents and to set new Intents.

I’m going to share my process here. Want to play with me?

First, decide if you want to follow this process for your business/work life or for your personal life (or both).

Note: I tend to set separate Intents for both business and personal. In truth, they often mirror each other since my personal life and my work-life are so intertwined.

Now, quickly brainstorm as many things you’d like to accomplish project-wise (tangible stuff) over the next 90 days.

Here are a few of mine: Business

  • Re-Launch my Owl Eyes E-Course – with more options and a lot more Owl Eyes goodness.
  • Teach a 1-Day Sensing (and Play) workshop at Oxbow Park.
  • Take at least one Shiva-Nata Class from a new instructor.

Personal

  • Re-start my 15-mile/week walking plan.
  • Plan something really fun for my boyfriend’s birthday.
  • 2-3 movement classes per week (xinyi, yoga, pilates…)

Alright, that’s the tangible stuff.

Ok, let’s move on to the qualities we want more of over the next 90 Days.

Throughout Spring, I want to be noticing and interacting with the qualities of:

  • ease, play, sweetness, and courage (in my personal life).
  • Also: abundance, gratitude, trust and discernment (in my business life).

What about you?

Next, the commitments:

These are the practices and mindsets I’m committing to in order to support the projects and qualities I want to see more of this Spring:

  • to focus on my own process and self-care (vs getting caught up in the drama and processes of other’s which continues, at times, to be the hardest thing in the world).
  • a daily practice of invoking the qualities and guidance that will support me throughout my day.
  • to ask for help daily combined with the discerning surrender of things outside my control or expertise to those who are better equipped. Also: expressing gratitude more for all the support and love that is present in my life.
  • to be open to and notice new possibilities and opportunities.
  • a willingness to be surprised and to let go of expectations. Yikes!
  • spending at least a part of one day a week outside, preferably outside the city.

The final step: hiding it away until the next turn of season, in this case, the Summer Solstice.

Seriously. I don’t look at my list of Intents again until the full 90 days is up.

When the next turn of season arrives, I do review my previous Intents.

It’s generally quite fascinating because I’ve usually totally forgotten what I’d set as Intents 90 days previously.

And, it’s even more fascinating to note how many of the my Intents were actually realized (or, no longer seem important).

This practice is a way of marking time and checking in with myself.

This is where I was 90 days ago. This is what I thought I wanted.

Where am I now? Have things changed? How have they changed?

Did any of these things happen? If so, great. If not, do I want to add them to the next 90 day Intents or are they no longer aligned with my life?

Reviewing my Intents is not at all about beating myself up if something didn’t happen like I thought it should.

Rather, it’s a practice of noting what did happen and checking in to see if the things that didn’t are still important enough to add to the next 90 days.

In short, when I’m reviewing the Intents from the past 90 days, I quickly jot down notes next to each item. It’s as simple as ‘yep,’ ‘nope,’ or ‘this is what happened instead.’

And, it’s totally fascinating to see how some things that didn’t happen as I thought they should actually did happen in a more awesome way than I could ever have imagined.

The super-secret addition to my Spring Intents:

Last time I spoke about wanting to learn to Fail Magnificently. This Spring, I’m adding that to my commitments.

I’ve added a couple of secret (not written here) Intents for myself that feel waaaay beyond my present abilities… just to see what happens.

I want to find out what the process of approaching things from a perspective of failing magnificently brings up in me.

It might be an interesting 90 Days. :)

Comment Magic:

How do you mark time? Do you have a seasonal (or monthly perhaps) ritual to check in with yourself and to make notes of what you’d like to see in your life? If so, I’d love to hear about it.

Or, if you did this process with me, what was your experience?

As always, just saying Hi is adored as well.

6 Comments Filed Under: Nature! Nature!, Self-Care

Learning to Fail Magnificently

March 8, 2011 By 10 Comments

Today, I want to introduce a concept that is so big, so awesome, so potentially transformational, that I’m practically paralyzed just thinking about it.

You see, I don’t have the words to convey such an important concept.

No matter how I turn it around in my mind, my words fall short. I fail.

Yet, here I am, about to spew the secret of all secrets, the secret that can change everything… anyway.

Because if I don’t try, I just fail.

If I do attempt to talk about this concept as clearly and simply as I possibly can, then there is the chance that I might fail magnificently.

There it is. That is the secret.

To know without doubt that failure will be the outcome. And then, to do it anyway and to fail as magnificently as possible in the process.

Perhaps a bit of back-story would be helpful.

Last spring, I attended a workshop-ceremony with Martin Prechtel, a Mayan shaman. Over the course of a weekend he wove together legends, myths, nature, personal stories and the present reality into this brilliant tapestry of interconnection.

It was there that I first heard about failing magnificently.

You see, in the Mayan worldview, there is nothing that humans can do, ever, that can begin to rival what already is – the interconnection, beauty, wonder, abundance and sacredness of (and in) nature. Or, as Martin describes it, the Holy in Nature.

From this perspective, anything we attempt is going to fall short. There is no such thing as success. There can only be failure.

Instead of being depressed by the thought that nothing will ever be good enough and it is impossible to succeed at anything, indigenous Mayans learn to fail magnificently.

To do whatever they are doing with as much creativity, beauty, grace, and skill as possible so that they can fail as magnificently as possible.

Through failing with as much magnificence as is humanly possible, the Holy in Nature is fed and the beneficial relationship between humans and nature is honored and maintained.

Now, whether or not you embrace this particular worldview matters not at all.

What does matter is the concept itself… which I’ll get back to in a second.

Personally, I’m terrified of failing.

There have been countless times that I simply haven’t done things (even things, especially things, that had a great deal of meaning to me) because I was afraid of

  1. failing miserably, or
  2. just barely succeeding and it feeling like a failure.

Occasionally, I’ve just made a half-assed attempt so that I could have a reason for failing. “Yeah, it didn’t happen but I didn’t put much into it. I could’ve tried a lot harder.” (Sound familiar?)

Further, there have been other times when my vision of how success should look has been so narrow that what others might deem a success, I’ve seen as a failure.

In short, fear of failure has often kept me from fully engaging, from taking risks, from really pursuing things of deep personal meaning.

Magnificent Failure takes Fear of Failure completely out of the picture.

Magnificent Failing allows us to:

  • Relax – if you know you are going to fail no matter what, there is no pressure (to succeed, to meet some goal, to win).
  • Feel safe – there is nothing to fear if the outcome is already determined.
  • Take more risks and have more adventures along the way.
  • Be creative, think outside the box. If there is no One Way that success (or failure) has to look, the options for how to fail magnificently are only limited by our imagination.
  • Go for the long shot. Allows the ‘Well, it’s a long shot but we might as well go for it” mentality to flourish.
  • Be a hero! Think of all the great moments when the hero overcomes all odds to save the day (or the girl). Of course, even saving the girl would be a failure under this framework, but, Oh! What a Magnificent Failure!

Magnificent Failure asks us to:

  • Engage more in the process, in the journey, in the In-Between.
  • Take risks and be magnificently creative.
  • Engage more of ourselves – our dreams, our gifts, our innate skills and talents in beautiful and creative ways.
  • Abandon our thoughts of what success means and how it should look and to engage fully in the process itself.
  • Shift our focus away from ourselves/success and towards how everything we do can contribute in a beautiful and meaningful way to our planet, to our community, to the Holy in Nature.

I’ll end with words of blessing and thanksgiving –

Words that were repeated throughout the entire weekend – words that still echo through my mind and body. I wish you:

All Blessings,

Long Life,

Honey in the Heart,

No Misfortune.

13 Thank Yous.

Comment Magic

This concept is HUGE. And, it’s one that I want to embody.

I want to begin to give myself permission to take more risks, to put all of me into the things I love, and to know that it is ok to fail.

That, in fact, failure is the only option. And, that it’s safe to fully engage because no matter the outcome, I know my personal goal is to fail magnificently.

Right now, this concept is just barely, barely beginning to sink into my body. I’d love to hear encouragement, your stories of magnificent failure, and/or how this concept might affect your life if you were to play with it.

And, as always, just saying hi is adored as well. :)

Also: Portlanders! Want to practice the art of Magnificent F(l)ailure? Join me for an Introduction to Shiva Nata workshop this Sunday.

10 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies

Noticings on Flow (and the lack thereof)

February 23, 2011 By 9 Comments

Flow.

That magical quality that allows everything to happen with such ease and grace when present.

That magical quality that leads to all sorts of unpleasantness and potential embarrassment when absent.

Flow. Something I want to experience more of in my life. And, something I’ve been intentionally focusing on for the past 2 weeks as part of my 40 Day Challenge Exploration.

I have things to say about flow.

Let’s get started. :)

I’m not very good at flowing.

Sidenote: I actually typed ‘glowing’ which I thought was hilarious. Because, no, I’m not that good at that either. Anyway…

I have moments. Moments when everything just clicks and suddenly, there I am, flowing along with ease and grace.

However, it just takes an instant of recognition (hey, look, things are happening really easily right now!) for me to totally lose touch with that flow. It’s as if Awareness of Flow = Goodbye Flow.

I’m much better at just jumping from Point A to Point B with little awareness of what happens in between.

Need an example? I’ll give you a couple.

(a) In my Shiva Nata practice, I feel most comfortable when I know exactly where my hand is supposed to go next.

I’m practically incapable of leaving one hand position before my brain has figured out where the next position is.

Why? Because then I might look like an idiot – just madly flailing about. Which is ironic since that is kind of the whole point of the practice.

(b) In my life, especially when something challenging has came up (perhaps a conflict between me and my boyfriend), I’m super, super, super uncomfortable just being in the flow. I want the conflict resolved. NOW.

I desperately want to get from Point A (the beginning of the conflict) to Point B (having the conflict resolved and things feeling good again) and will do whatever possible to get there the quickest.

Perhaps needless to say, this inability to allow things to flow, this terror of being in the in-between, doesn’t seem to help the situation. Crazy, I know. *shakes head*

There seems to be 2 levels to this fear for me.

The first level involves being afraid to move from one thing until I know exactly where I’m going. When I inquire into what lies underneath this fear, I find things like:

  • that fear of being in between, in the unknown,
  • of not knowing what’s best for me,
  • of getting lost,
  • of looking stupid and being mocked,
  • of not appearing focused, goal-oriented and purposeful,
  • of losing my center, my sense of self,
  • of looking disorganized, flaky, uncertain, and…
  • the need to be in control in order to feel safe.

The second level is a bit more insidious. This level is about transitions.

For instance, I just received notice that the business I rent my office space from is downsizing to a home office. This means I need to move my office by March 15.

It feels like a good and necessary change.

And yet, right now, I have absolutely no idea what I want out of my next space. I’m in the transition, in the In-Between, without a clue of where I might end up.

Being in the In-Between can be pretty scary.

In my Shiva Nata practice, I’ve noticed all the sensations of discomfort (tension in my stomach, constriction in my breathing…) that arise when I do leave one hand position before knowing the next. How horribly disconcerting it feels to just have my arm floating In-Between until I figure out the next position.

When I actually take the time to tune in, I notice the same discomfort when I think about being in my current transition.

The same is true with conflict with my boyfriend. It’s the not knowing (not trusting?) how Point B will look if I just allow things to rest in the In-Between.

I want the conflict resolved right now so that I know whether we are ok or not. The In-Between terrifies me.

And yet, it’s in the In-Between where all the magic happens.

Or, so I’m slowly learning.

It’s in the In-Between (without a set destination) where an unexpected option or solution suddenly pops up. A solution that is perfectly aligned with my needs, my values, and the qualities I want to cultivate in my life.

It’s in the In-Between where flow becomes a possibility.

Without the In-Between, there is no flow.

Without spending time In-Between, all there is is control.

It’s the In-Between where we have the opportunity to practice letting go, trusting the unknown and surrendering to flow – the flow of life, the flow of innate intelligence that surrounds us, the flow of possibility.

And, here’s the best part.

There is no need to jump into the In-Between in real life.

Everything can be experienced and experimented with through mindful movement.

Playing with the transitions between hand positions in Shiva Nata is showing me the way – illuminating the possibility of a different, more in-flow, approach to life.

What about you?

Do you practice yoga (any style)? Or internal martial arts (tai chi, chi gong, etc)?

If so, the next time you are engaging in your practice, take a moment and place more of your awareness on the transitions between movements versus the actual stances or postures themselves. What do you notice?

Even activities like driving or daily chores can become a practice in noticing flow.

Where is your focus? On the destination or the drive? On finishing the chore or the chore itself?

What happens in the space between various chores?

In short, opportunities for practice are limitless.

Becoming more mindful of the transitions, of the In-Betweens, opens a whole new world of self-understanding and might even lead to increased flow in everyday life.

Or, so I’m discovering. :)

9 Comments Filed Under: Self-Care, Shiva Nata

The Art of Relaxed Suffering

February 8, 2011 By 10 Comments

It’s about 5 years ago. I’m in my Xin Yi (an internal martial art) class.

We are in the Bow and Arrow Stance which is similar to yoga’s warrior 1 pose – or a modified lunge. The majority of our weight is centered over our front foot.

We’ve been in this stance for 5-10 minutes already, testing our stability and balance with arm circles.

The quadriceps in my front leg are starting to tremble and shake, my shoulder muscles are burning, and sweat is beginning to blur my eyes.

That’s when Harry (the instructor) began talking about Relaxed Suffering.

Now, in Ortho-Bionomy, comfort is one of the fundamental principles.

When we are comfortable, we can relax.

When we are relaxed, tension releases and we are able to return to an enhanced state of wellbeing. There’s a bit more to it, but that’s the general concept.

Basically, this concept of comfort and relaxation leading to healing is pretty ingrained in me.

I’ve seen the application of this principle work time and time again with my clients.

It feels like magic when, as I meet their pain and tension (whether physical or emotional) with comfort and relaxation, their pain melts away.

And, naturally, I’ve extended this concept into my daily life.

If I’m hurting in some way, what can I do to bring in more comfort?

If my low back is hurting, for example, does altering the way I’m sitting relieve the pressure? Would a walk help? Perhaps it’s time to do some self-care or get some bodywork.

If I’m in a place of emotional distress, what might usher in more of a sense of comfort, relaxation and wellbeing? Talking with a wise friend? Writing? Movement, perhaps? Owl Eyes?

In short, Ortho-Bionomy has taught me a lot about how to find comfort (and how to relax) when I’m in pain.

Further, I’ve come to understand that tension and pain are simply messengers.

Messengers that show me exactly where I’m out of alignment in my body and in my life.

Which is exactly what I was discovering in my Xin Yi class.

My shaking quads, my burning shoulders, the intense torquing sensation at the base of my head, the sensation of my low back being pulled apart – all showing me exactly where the muscles were holding in my body.

Showing me exactly where my structure (my bones and joints) were out of alignment with gravity.

Showing me the parts of my body that were unable to relax, unable to let go, unable to trust my bones to hold me up.

That’s where the suffering comes in.

I was suffering (shaking, burning, sweating) because my muscles were working so hard to keep me in this rather awkward position.

I didn’t know how to relax those muscles and allow the bones of my body to support me.

I wasn’t the only one with trembling, shaking legs and arms.

Harry acknowledged our struggle. He said it was normal for it to feel really difficult at first. That it was normal for us to be trying to use our muscles to keep our bodies in the correct stance.

He said that the most important thing was to just keep focusing on relaxing and sinking into our front foot while simultaneously extending both out the heel of our back foot and out the top of our heads.

“The more you relax and trust your structure, the less suffering you will have to endure and the easier and more natural this stance will become.

Eventually, your muscles will let go and your bones will entirely support you.

Until then, practice Relaxed Suffering.

If you are going to suffer, you might as well relax while you are doing it.”

Practice Relaxed Suffering.

I wonder what might happen if:

  • we didn’t try to resist pain so much,
  • we were able to accept that pain is simply (sometimes) a part of living a full, engaged life,
  • we were able to go ahead and relax into the pain.

I think it is really easy to get into a place where resisting pain ends up simply creating additional suffering.

I see this pattern in myself a lot – wanting certain things to be different than they are.

For instance, I have lost days and days to headaches.

Many of those days were spent being super angry (and/or super depressed) over having a headache.

The anger and depression didn’t help the situation at all. Instead, they added layers and layers of additional suffering and made the headache worse.

On the days when I’ve been able to say ‘hey, I have a headache and that’s just where I am for today,” and relax a bit, my suffering has been much less.

And, interestingly, those have been the days when I’ve been able to learn more about myself and the things that actually help me get through the day with more ease.

Today, I’m starting Week 2 of my 40-Day Challenge.

My overall theme for the 40 days is Relaxation. To practice the Art of Relaxation when I’m:

  • in my Xin Yi class (now, it’s about relaxing more versus just relaxing),
  • learning something new - like a new Shiva Nata pattern,
  • feeling anxious about something – can relaxation hold and cradle the ball of anxiety I feel? Is it possible for the quality of relaxation to transform anxiety into a state of enhanced wellbeing? I’m going to find out!
  • in the middle of some conflict with my partner (or anyone). How might relaxing shift how I respond to conflict?
  • stuck or unsure of what I want or need.

In short, how might relaxing while I’m in some situation that normally causes suffering or pain shift my experience and thus my response? That is the question I am asking myself.

And, that is my question for you as well.

Comment Magic:

As always, your comments and thoughts are welcome. :)

10 Comments Filed Under: Headaches, Ortho-Bionomy