Using Your Senses to Relax Your Body

September 28, 2010 By 8 Comments

I went to bed tense and grouchy the other night. Lying there, I could feel tension radiating throughout my body. My legs felt stiff and achy, my breathing constricted, my thoughts racing.

Knowing I needed to get a good night’s rest, I started going through my list of relaxation techniques, discarding each nearly as quickly as it came to mind. Tense and relax the different parts of my body? Not working. Focusing on my breath? Nope. And on and on.

Eventually I gave up and resigned myself to a sleepless night.

I decided that as long as I wasn’t sleeping, I might as well practice some of my naturalist skills.

Specifically, I decided to tune into my sense of hearing and name as many sounds as I could hear.

The quiet hum of the highway, a breeze stirring the leaves of the tree outside my open window, the steady beat of my heart…

Less than 5 minutes later, it occurred to me that my body was absolutely relaxed, my mind was calm and I was on the verge of sleep. Miracle!

Now, I *know* that engaging the senses relaxes the nervous system and thus the body.

That’s the basic premise behind Owl Eyes, after all.

Apparently, I needed a reminder. Perhaps you could use one as well?

If so, here’s a quick process to help you engage your senses and relax your body. Give yourself about 5 minutes to go through this next part. Having pen and paper handy is helpful as well. Here we go!

Sense 1: Sight.

As humans, most of us are very visually dominant. Therefore, we tend to spend a lot of time with our eyes in tunnel vision, looking at something, watching something (or someone), etc.

Glance around the room (or wherever you are) and jot down 5 things you see. Try to make them things you don’t normally notice in your surroundings.

My five things:

  1. A pair of my boyfriend’s socks, inside out and crumpled.
  2. A yellow highlighter
  3. The beautiful pillows a friend made for me.
  4. A calculator sitting on top of the computer tower.
  5. A solitary tack stuck in the wall (that’s not tacking anything). Whaa?

Now relax into your Owl Eyes (or wide-angle vision) as you engage the rest of your senses.

Sense 2: Hearing. Deer Ears!

With your gaze soft, engage your sense of hearing. If helpful, imagine your ears are like huge a deer’s. You can even cup your hands around your ears to exaggerate your sense of hearing.

What do you hear? See if you can name 3-5 sounds.

Me? I can hear the buzz of the refrigerator, traffic from the highway, a door creaking open and then slamming shut.

With hearing, it is important to remember to allow the sounds to come to you. There is no need to strain or to try to hear more. Just sit quietly and receive the sounds.

Sense 3: Smell. Bear Nose!

Bears have an amazing sense of smell. Polar bears, for example, can smell a whale carcass up to 20 miles away.

In humans, smell is often an underdeveloped sense. We can, however, improve it with practice. For now, see if you can name 1-3 scents in your immediate environment.

Right now, I can smell the mint in my tea and not much else. :(

Sense 4: Touch.

Or, as the Kamana Naturalist Training Program describes it: skin of a baby.

Imagine your skin is as soft and sensitive as a baby’s. What do you notice? How does the air feel? Is the room cool or warm? How much moisture can you feel in the air? Can you feel your clothing resting against your skin? Describe their texture.

If outside, is there a breeze? Can you feel the sun? Where is it? And so on…

Sense 5: Taste.

Ah. Another often overlooked sense. What taste is in your mouth right now?

Open your mouth and breath in some air. Is there a flavor to the air?

The next time you eat or drink something, take a moment and really notice the flavors and how they interact.

Bringing it all together. The wolf.

The wolf symbolizes this coming together of all the senses. Their eyes, ears and noses are equally utilized and equally developed.

Imagine if our sense of hearing and our sense of smell was as highly developed and utilized as our sense of sight!

That’s the power of the wolf and the power we develop as we play with consciously engaging more of our senses.

For now, sitting quietly, see how many of your senses you can engage and notice at the same time.

Perhaps it will only be one or two at first. That’s ok. Start with Owl Eyes or Deer Ears and add in your other senses over time.

Engaging our senses is the key to relaxation.

While it can be fun to just play with engaging our senses, there is also a very practical reason to make it a part of your daily life.

When we engage our senses, we are brought into the present moment.

Sounds, for instance, only happen in the present moment. We hear a sound. And then it is gone. Another sound emerges. And then disappears.

When we are listening, when our sense of hearing is fully engaged, it is impossible for us to be other than in the present moment. Add in more of the senses and this present-moment-ness increases.

For me, lying there, sleepless and tense…

My mind frantically racing, following some worry about the future or reliving something from the past, engaging my sense of hearing and naming the sounds brought me back to the present moment.

Back to where, in the moment, I was safe. Where there was nothing to do or to fix or to control.

In the present moment there was a comfortable bed beneath me, my boyfriend sleeping beside me and soft night sounds soothing me. In the present moment, all was well.

In the present moment, I fully relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

Comment Magic:

Comments, thoughts, stories? I love them! Just saying hello is lovely too.

8 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Nature! Nature!, Right Relationship, Self-Care

The Hardest Thing in the World

September 14, 2010 By 10 Comments

Two or three years ago, my boyfriend and I got into a horrible fight. The topic wasn’t new; the intensity, however, was extreme and he ended up leaving for the weekend with nothing resolved.

I was a mess. Conflict is extremely overwhelming for me. Fighting with the person I love over an issue that triggers feelings of not-enoughness, hurt, and intense insecurity – well, let’s just say, the horribleness was horrible.

I ended up spending some time over at a wise friend’s house that evening. It was there that I began to glimpse the Hardest Thing in the World.

And, no, it wasn’t fighting with my boyfriend (that’s actually pretty easy).

Here’s how the understanding unfolded:

Me: And then he said this and then I said that but then he did this and ….

Wise friend: Hmmm, ok Lara, it sounds as if he said a lot of things that hurt you.

Me: He did! And then …

Wise friend: Where do you feel that pain?

Me (in my head): What? I don’t have time for that. HE said …

Me (outloud): Um, in my chest, I guess. But, here’s what happened next …

Wise friend: Ok, yes, it sounds like an awful fight.

Me: It was!

Wise friend: I’m really interested in you, not so much in the fight. What are you feeling?

Me: Ok, well (inwardly groaning with impatience because there is soo much more to tell), I’m angry. And hurt. And, then he said this and I knew it wasn’t true and …

Wise friend: Lara, I hear that you are really hurt and that this is an ongoing fight between the two of you and that it’s very painful for you.

Me: Yes, it IS very painful! And, it’s all his fault. Wait until I tell you what happened next!

Wise friend: Again, I want to hear about you.

Me: I’m telling you about me! See, then I said this and then he said that and I couldn’t stop crying.

Wise friend: I want to know what you are feeling right now.

Me (understanding beginning to dawn in between all the stories and protests and the wanting to blame him for the pain I was feeling): Oh. Ok, there’s this gaping, aching hole in my chest and all I want to do is curl up and cry. Possibly forever.

Wise friend: That’s it, Lara. That’s what is important. That is what needs your attention and love right now, not the story.

All we can ever really know is our own reaction.

In this case, I wanted desperately to put all the focus and attention on HIM, on the things HE’d done wrong, on the ways HE had caused ME pain and suffering.

I wanted to lash out at him, to hurt him as badly as he’d hurt me.

It was the hardest thing in the world to shift my focus from him and back to myself.

Why? Because then I didn’t have the buffer of anger and blame to protect me from feeling all the pain, sadness and fear that were beneath the anger and blame.

The pain, sadness and fear that were mine.

The feelings that were, in that moment, completely overwhelming, unbearable and un-meetable on my own. (Luckily, I was in the presence of a wise, loving, understanding friend who was able to help me).

Claiming our own responses (or reactions) in any situation really *is* the Hardest Thing in the World.

It is so much easier to blame the other person or to get angry at BP (for instance) or other organizations that are threatening our environment or doing things we think are wrong or harmful.

It is very difficult to shift the focus back to ourselves especially when the issue at hand involves something or someone we deeply love or care about.

It is the Hardest Thing in the World to pry our attention and blame from the external world and to return to ourselves.

Again, anger and blame protect us. They protect us from having to feel the small, vulnerable parts of ourselves that feel so afraid and threatened.

Luckily, there are things that make it easier.

For instance, wise friends. :)

Also, things like:

  • journaling
  • using some method to inquire into the situation (I personally love The Work of Byron Katie).
  • movement! (walking, yoga, taiji, dancing…)
  • meditating
  • nature!
  • using some energetic technique to reground and center yourself – whatever you happen to have in your toolkit (EFT, Reiki, Ortho-Bionomy, for example).
  • Owl Eyes!
  • Magical Listening – listening magically to the parts of you that are in so much pain in this case.

When the pain is too overwhelming for us to meet ourselves, it is important to have external resources to call.

Who are your external resources? Who do you trust to meet you when you are unable to meet yourself?

If you want, take a moment and make a list. Your list may include wise friends, bodyworkers, energectic healers, counselors, life coaches, etc.

A word of encouragement.

While bringing your attention back to yourself and your reactions may be the hardest thing in the world, it is also the most rewarding.

Meeting these small, fragile parts of ourselves that feel so afraid and alone feels so indescribably beautiful.

It’s like being a little kid, afraid and alone in the dark. The door opens and in walks that one person with whom you feel the most safe in the entire world. The relief and joy is astonishing. The tears freely flow.

Meeting these scared, wounded parts is you returning to yourself. It is you becoming more whole and less fragmented.

It is homecoming.

Comment magic:

This is a difficult, potentially painful, subject. And, a subject that can bring up all sorts of resistance. I know it has (and still does) in me. Be gentle, please.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and/or experiences. Just saying ‘hello’ is lovely too! :)

10 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care

Raccoons, Relaxation, and the Absolute Rightness of Being YOU

August 24, 2010 By 5 Comments

It’s very, very early morning. That gray, pre-dawn time as the world begins to brighten. The sun has not yet popped up over the horizon but it is obviously on its way.

I’m all snuggled up in bed, warm and cozy. Then, abruptly, all hell breaks loose.

Our backyard scrub jays begin shrieking. And shrieking and shrieking. In fact, it sounds as if they have invited all their neighborhood friends into the walnut tree directly outside my bedroom window. To shriek.

The ruckus, it was enormous.

Too sleepy to drag my protesting body out of bed to see just what the commotion was all about, I just listened until, about 10-15 minutes later, all became quiet once more.

I tumble back into sleep. Morning fully arrives, I get up and eventually I recall the ruckus and decide to investigate.

I have a good idea what I will find and indeed, curled up in a hollow of the walnut tree, a good 20 feet off the ground, is a pile of gray fluff. A raccoon!

Now, whatever you happen to think of raccoons is fine.

I happen to adore them. Actually, I happen to adore any undomesticated animal and a lot of domesticated ones as well.

Anyway, I felt so indescribably happy standing there on the roof peering up into the hollow.

Graced with the presence of urban wildlife – young urban wildlife at that. This particular raccoon was not even half grown – likely born just this past spring.

He (she?) shifted and suddenly, up briefly popped a second head. There were two!

Oh! The happiness! It compounded.

They shifted around a bit more, eyes half closed. Eventually one of them settled back into sleep with his head cradled on the edge of the hollow.

As I watched, he sank deeper into sleep. As his body became more and more relaxed, his head slid along the edge of the hollow until his neck and head were basically dangling outside the hollow.

Oblivious, he slept on.

Learn to relax like a raccoon.

I sent my dad this picture and he texted back: “New goal… learn to relax like a raccoon.”

What can a raccoon teach us about relaxing and about being ourselves?

Last summer I watched a fully-grown raccoon returning to our neighbors giant Doug Fir. The jays shrieked and dove. The raccoon, completely oblivious, continued along its raccoon path and eventually curled up somewhere in the deep recesses of the fir.

The raccoon was completely unperturbed by the rants and attacks of the jays.

*SIDENOTE: of course, the jays are attacking because raccoons are predators and do raid their nests. However, the times I’m referring to here are times when the raccoon is returning from her nightly forage to sleep, no longer in hunting mode.

Just an afternoon prior to the morning initially described, the jays had suddenly started shrieking and I went to investigate. A raccoon was nestled in the same hollow. He was awake but absolutely relaxed and ambivalent to the jays screaming above him.

He was just a raccoon doing his raccoon thing.

Which got me to thinking…

The more I am me, doing the things that are meaningful to me and living my life as closely aligned with the qualities (love, kindness, compassion…) I treasure, the less the attacks of others will affect me.

In fact, it’s likely I won’t even perceive the unkind words or actions of others (or the world in general) as a threat at all. It is just them being them. I am just me, being me.

Nature is an inescapable model for being yourself.

Nature simply can’t be other than it is. In truth, we can’t be other than we are either.

Most of us do, however, spend a ridiculous amount of energy attempting to be (or to appear) other than we are.

While the reasons for this are many and varied, the more time we spend observing nature (especially while in Owl Eyes), the more these reasons fall away.

Spending even just a couple of minutes watching a bird, a squirrel, a deer (or a beloved pet) brings us back to ourselves. That animal simply can’t be other than it is. On some level, whether consciously or not, we are reminded that we also can’t be other than we are.

This state of *being* calls out to the deepest parts of ourselves.

That part of you that simply is you. That part of me that is unshakably me.

We are reminded that we are enough, that we belong, just as we are.

Knowing these truths, we can let go of our guarding and tension. We can relax… just like the raccoon.

5 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Nature! Nature!, Right Relationship

The Art of Magical Listening – a DIY Guide!

August 10, 2010 By 17 Comments

Close your eyes and listen. Name 5 sounds you hear.

Now, close your eyes again and listen a bit more closely. What is the closest sound you can hear? The sound furthest away? What is the quietest sound?

Ok, now that you are in tuned into your sense of hearing, let’s talk about listening.

The off-the-top-of-my-head stages of listening:

  1. Hearing the sound. Screech! Beep, beep, beep.
  2. Understanding the sound (prescribing meaning to the sound). The garbage truck is backing up.
  3. Hearing the sound and noticing the feeling in the sound. Look out! Danger! Alert!
  4. Hearing the sound and noticing and claiming your own response to it. For me, anxiety, frustration, tension in my stomach. Sensitive Ear Girl hates the abrupt, annoying noise.

In conversation with another person, the stages may look like this:

  1. She’s speaking. I hear words.
  2. Oh, she wants me to pick up some eggs at the store.
  3. Hmmm, she sounds stressed. Her body is tense. I wonder if she is having a hard day?
  4. Wow. As she is talking to me, I’m starting to feel stressed and tense. This tension and pressure is building in my stomach and chest.

Listening versus Magical Listening

I was in a workshop the weekend before last. We practiced this exercise that really demonstrated the power of Magical Listening.

And yes, I know I haven’t described what makes listening magical yet. I will soon. Rest assured. :)

We were in pairs. One person told a story about something difficult or challenging or painful happening in their life. The other listened.

As the listener, I watched as my partner went from being quite upset and frustrated, to being sad and depressed, to being angry and then…. to describing insight after insight into what this event meant within the full context of her life.

Epiphany after epiphany rolled out of her. Her energy went from heavy and stuck to flowing and excited. An injury that was associated with her story released a bit and she suddenly experienced more ease of movement and less pain in that part of her body.

All I did was listen.

Ok, that’s not all I did. We’re still getting to that. :)

First, have you ever been in a situation where a friend is coming to you, distraught, with some painful story?

As a listener, what did you do?

Perhaps you listened quietly. Perhaps you interrupted and offered a different perspective. Perhaps you gave some thoughtful advice.

Yes, they did feel better. They were comforted and heard – very powerful, necessary things.

What if, however, it is possible for them to *also* receive insight, resolution and transformation?

That’s the difference between listening and Magical Listening.

Listening is Stage 3 – hearing the words and paying attention to body language and the underlying emotion and feelings as someone is talking.

Magical Listening is Stage 4 – noticing what happens in you as the other is speaking.

Paying attention to yourself and your own responses while engaged with another is what makes Magical Listening possible. It creates this incredible sense of safety and connection.

It allows for the other person to feel heard and comforted, yes. It also allows them re-find their own sense of wellbeing and to receive insights about their stuff from themselves.

(How and Why this occurs is the subject for another time.)

Now, there is a bit more to it than just noticing your own reactions and responses as the other speaks. Specifically, there are 3 parts:

Notice (acknowledge)

Feel (exaggerate)

Release (re-find your own sense of wellbeing)

Let’s practice!

Through reading these words you are, in a sense, listening to me. And, you are likely experiencing some kind of response. Tune into that response.

What do you notice…

…in your thoughts?

…in your emotions?

…in the sensations in your body?

Whatever it is (calmness, boredom, anxiety, tension, tightness, expansiveness…), just notice it. Just allow it to be there.

Notice – Feel – Release

Now that you’ve noticed your own response to my words, you can acknowledge it and let yourself feel it.

For instance: hmmm, there is this pressure in my throat and tension in my stomach. I’m feeling anxious – not sure if I’m doing this right or if I can do it at all.

Often, just noticing and acknowledging your response is enough for it to let go and for you to return to a place of greater calm and wellbeing.

Other-times, it may take a bit more mindfulness to let go of whatever arises in you.

The quickest and easiest way I know to release tension is to exaggerate it, hold the exaggeration, and then let it go on its own.

For instance: I place my awareness on the pressure in my throat and use my mind to consciously increase the pressure there.

For the gripping in my stomach, I can clench my stomach a bit tighter, exaggerating that pattern of tension in my body.

With emotions, I find and exaggerate the physical sensations associated with for example, anxiety, in my body OR I can simply intensify the emotion itself.

What about that urge to help?

Or to interrupt? To offer suggestions? Or advice?

Same thing. Notice the urge, find the physical sensations associated with the urge in your body, consciously exaggerate the urge and then, let it go.

For all of the above, being in Owl Eyes helps immensely – Owl Eyes allows you to feel the feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Magical Listening isn’t easy, at least not at first. It takes play and practice.

It requires listening to yourself through monitoring your emotions, your sensations, your urges, and then not acting on any of them externally.

Instead, all of the work happens inside of you. You notice your reaction, you allow yourself to fully feel it and then… you let it go.

You change yourself.

You return to your sense of wellbeing.

Through re-connecting with your wellbeing, you energetically model how to return to wellbeing for your friend.

A deep sense of safety, connection and comfort is established and your friend begins to experience increased wellbeing simply due to your Magical Listening skills. Insights, transformation and resolution of patterns becomes possible.

It feel like magic. It is magic.

Comment magic:

I love to hear your thoughts, however deep or mundane. Just saying hi works too. :)

What does this whole concept of Magical Listening spark in you? Have you ever listened in this way (or been listened to)?

17 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Right Relationship, Self-Care

Things Aren’t Going to Get Better

March 23, 2010 By 7 Comments

I’m curled up on the floor. Inside I am breaking.

Again.

I feel shattered, devastated, very, very afraid and alone.

My breath is coming in gasps. Tears are running down my cheeks. I am shaking – that deep, core shaking that comes from absolute terror.

I recognize this place. I’ve been here countless times over the past 3½ years – ever since the iron-hard protective cage I’d built around myself began coming apart. Ever since I began to feel emotional pain again.

This time, I decide I don’t want to face all the terror alone. I call a friend – which is somehow nearly as painful as the pain itself. She answers and, as usual, she is able to hold me, to be there for me. And eventually, I am once again a little more connected to myself, to my internal sense of safety and love.

Knowing the answer, I ask her anyway:

Will things ever get better?

Things aren’t going to get better.

Don’t believe me? Let me show you:

First, the external stuff:

  • Life will continue to throw difficult, unexpected, challenging things at you. (Illness, injury, natural disasters, relationship stuff…)
  • Economies will collapse, jobs will be lost, businesses will fail, dreams will wither and die (to be very dramatic).
  • Your physical body will be in pain from time to time; it will grow old and eventually quit working the way you want.
  • People will let you down, break your heart, do or say things that hurt you (whether intentionally or not doesn’t matter).

Now, the more internal stuff:

  • Painful patterns will continue to play themselves out. Over and over and over. Just when you think you have figured out some pattern and that you will never have to feel the pain of that particular thing again, it will again slap you in the face – just to show you that, no, you aren’t done.
  • New, even more painful and deeply ingrained patterns will continue to come to the surface in the hopes that you can meet them and begin to untangle and resolve the pain they hold.
  • There will always be events, situations, people, words, etc that trigger old, unresolved pain in you.

Are you convinced yet?

Maybe *things* don’t get better.

But, through consciously, mindfully interacting with the pain we feel (whether physical or emotional), we get better.

We get better at meeting ourselves.

Life as a spiral

Life is a spiral, periods of gloom and pain followed by, perhaps not times of total joy and love, but, let’s say, periods of respite. Stretches of time where we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and where things happen with more ease and naturalness.

Followed by, of course, yet another cycle of more intense suffering and disconnection.

Physically this may look like having times when that area of chronic pain is in remission (if you will) followed by weeks or months of unrelenting pain.

Emotionally, there are periods where we are not so easily triggered. When we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and belonging. Then, there are times when anything and everything serves to knock us back into the pit of terror (or wherever your painful place may be).

Climbing out of the pit of terror

What I’ve found to be true for me is that the more I practice holding, witness, meeting the terror (my pain), the quicker that part of the spiral cycles through. Yeah, the feelings, the pain, the insanely uncomfortable sensations are just as intense as ever.

But, I’m not so completely taken over by them. Or, when I am, I am able to recognize it sooner and take the steps that reconnect me with that internal sense of safety and love.

And now, there are even times, when in the very midst of the terror (when I am overwhelmed), that I notice a very small part of me is feeling incredible joy.

Joy that I am allowing myself to feel and experience the terror without trying to do something (or make someone else do something) to make me feel safe again.

And, sometimes, I hear this small, quiet voice that reminds me that the more I can meet and hold myself while *in* the terror, the more freedom I experience in my life.

I know this to be true. There are some things that in the past would trigger me into this place of utter desolation and terror that now just slide off me. Not because I am hard and untouchable but because I now have this internal sense of safety that is not so easily shaken.

The more I practice kindly, lovingly interacting with my pain (using any number of the suggestions I talk about here), the less things trigger me, the more whole I am in myself, and the more freedom I experience.

All the things from my list that cause pain are still there. They haven’t changed or gotten better.

But, I have gotten better.

That makes all the difference.

For you:

Today I just want to say that sometimes things are overwhelming. Sometimes the painful part of the spiral is long and hard and seemingly endless.

Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for having the courage to be in the hard, in the pain.

It’s so not easy.

And, I want to remind you:

You are so not alone.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding

Even as the stone of the fruit must break,

That the heart may stand in the sun,

So must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder

At the daily miracles of your life

You pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

Even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief…

-Kahlil Gibran

7 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Right Relationship

When Exhaustion Wars with the Important Thing You Want to Do

February 23, 2010 By 4 Comments

I’m sitting here, supposedly writing this post for you. My nerves feel frazzled, my mind is spinning.

I want to write something useful, something that will bring a little ease and comfort into your day. But, right now I’m having a really hard time accessing those qualities for myself. Totally lacking ease and comfort in myself, how can I hope to write anything that inspires these qualities in you?

Perhaps you can relate? Perhaps you’ve been in a similar place yourself? A place where you want to help, to serve, but are yourself depleted and exhausted.

I wonder, what do you do in these situations? Do you push through and continue meeting the needs (real or perceived) of others? Do you stop and meet your own needs first? Is there, perhaps, some combination of both that happens?

Tonight, I feel drained. Tonight, I’m going to practice some self-care. Tonight, you get to watch. And perhaps, through me meeting myself first, you will be able to better meet yourself when you are in a similar state.

So, first, the overview:

I’m tired. I want to write this post.

What needs are being met through writing this post?

  1. To be reliable, trustworthy, to keep my word. I set a public intention to post (and send out a newsletter) on the second and fourth Wednesdays of every month.
  2. To serve through sharing suggestions, perspectives, and techniques that I’ve found useful.
  3. To contribute to a community dedicated to gently, kindly interacting with themselves and their pain.

What do I need in order for this post to be written?

  • Reassurance – that this post doesn’t have to be perfect or useful or some work of greatness. (Which, of course, is what I think it should be). And, reassurance that it will be ok if I don’t get it done; if I don’t meet my deadline.
  • Permission – to feel drained, exhausted, and utterly incapable of offering anything of value.
  • Acknowledgement – both of the exhaustion AND that writing this post is important to me.
  • Time – to check in, to see what my body needs and to spend some time attending to those needs prior to actually writing this post.

Interesting. This task is definitely not a should. It is something that meets all sorts of needs for me.

And, just writing down that I need reassurance, permission and acknowledgment somehow allowed me to give them to myself. Sweet.

The need for time to check-in with myself is still there. So, that is what I’m going to do next.

My 4-level check-in. What’s happening in my:

Body in general? Exhaustion, a sense of being drained and depleted.

Emotions? Anxiety definitely. Otherwise, I feel pretty emotionally cut-off right now.

Thoughts? Oh boy. Yeah. There are thoughts. “You should have started earlier. What kind of a business woman do you think you are? Not a very good one, obviously. You only have this small window of quiet to get this done and you’ve already almost missed it. You’re not going to get it done on time and even if you do, it’s going to suck, it’s not going to be useful and no-one will like it (or even read it).” Etc.

Sensations? Eyes feel stuck, locked, fixed in my head. Total tunnel vision. There is pressure behind my eyes. They feel as if they are straining forward, attempting to escape from their sockets. Neck feels ‘poppy.’ Every time I turn my head, my neck pops and cracks. My neck muscles feel tight, unbalanced, strained. There is this heavy, sinking sensation in my stomach. My breath is shallow, constricted.

Woa. It’s amazing how helpful it is to just do something simple and quick like the 4-Level Check-In. I already feel more connected to my body. Although the exhaustion is still there, I’m no longer resisting it. It’s there and that’s fine.

From my check-in, it is obvious that my eyes are holding the majority of my stress. Just the thought of looking at the computer or writing anything feels overwhelming.

Time for a little self-care.

My eyes feel stuck. And, I’m more in my head than in my body. So, I shift into wide-angle vision. Owl Eyes!

Note: You are going to be hearing a lot more about Owl Eyes soon. So, be prepared. And, overjoyed! Because it’s awesome.

Being in Owl Eyes means that I consciously relax my eyes until I am in wide-angle (or peripheral) vision. It makes everything look and feel a bit softer. It makes me more aware of all the space around me. It gives me a way to hold myself as I pay close attention to what is happening in my body.

And now, I sit. And, I speak Sensation.

I tell my eyes that I notice how strained, tense and locked they feel. I reflect the sensations of heavy, of sinking, of empty pit to my stomach. I let my neck know that I am aware of how tense, tight and misaligned it feels.

As I continue to pay attention, to speak with my body in these ways, my body begins to speak back.

The tension in my eyes releases a bit. I tell my eyes that I now notice less pressure and more of a floating sensation in them. My breathing deepens. I reflect that back through acknowledging the sense of increased lightness and space in my chest where before there had been only constriction and pressure.

The dialogue continues…

And, throughout it all, I stay in my Owl Eyes.

Why? Because being in wide-angle vision makes it easier to notice, to witness what is happening in my body without getting pulled into (and then overwhelmed) by the sensations.

This whole process, by the way, only takes about 10 minutes. At the end, I feel renewed. Not exactly energized ;) but definitely calmer, more present, and more at ease and comfortable in my body and in myself.

I am ready and able to sit down and write. Which is what I do.

4 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care, Speaking Sensation

Sensations: Speaking the Secret Language of the Body

February 9, 2010 By 9 Comments

Today, we are going to play with speaking Sensation. Yes, it’s a language. Yes, you will be able to speak it by the end of this post.

But first, why? What’s the point?

Sensations are the language (the words) of our bodies. They are how our bodies communicate with us.

Speaking Sensation allows us to interact with our bodies in a way that is gentle, non-invasive, and that promotes an increased sense of ease and wellbeing.

Our bodies are always communicating with us whether we are aware of it or not.

They are constantly letting us know what is going on with them: I’m hungry, I’m full, I’m hot, cold, thirsty, in pain… Sometimes the messages are very clear “That hurts!” Sometimes, they are quite subtle.

Today, we will begin to explore the infinite ways your body communicates with you through sensations. And, believe me, the vocabulary of your body extends far beyond full, thirsty, cold, hot, pain, and hungry.

So, just what *is* a sensation?

A sensation is a physical feeling in the body.

Sensation Language describes these physical feelings using words based on the five senses (taste, touch, smell, sound, sight).

It is important to not confuse sensations with emotions. While emotions do have accompanying sensations, the emotions themselves are not sensations.

For instance, think about fear. Fear is an emotion that, for me anyway, comes all wrapped up with the sensations of extreme clenching in my stomach, constriction in my chest and pressure in my throat.

Here are some more examples: tingling is a sensation. Anger is not. Queasy is. Longing isn’t. Relaxed is. Happy is not.

For a partial list of sensations to help you get into Sensation Speak, click here.

In short, speaking Sensation involves using words based on the five senses to describe whatever you are experiencing in your body.

What does ‘good’ really mean?

A friend asks you how you are. Without really thinking about it, you answer, “Good!” In that moment, you mean it. You really do feel good.

But, what does ‘good’ mean? How do you know that you feel good?

Enter sensations: TaDa!

Scan your body… what do you notice? Is there a sense of expansiveness in your chest? Perhaps you feel an overall sense of lightness and space throughout your body. Perhaps you are experiencing something entirely different that to you feels good.

What word other than ‘good’ could you use to give a more body-based description of how you are?

Sometimes, starting with pain makes speaking Sensation easier.

Although it may sound strange, it is often much easier to speak Sensation when describing pain. In general, most people have a fairly extensive pain-based sensation vocabulary–extensive compared to words describing a state of wellbeing and comfort, that is.

So, let’s do a quick exercise. And yes, I’m doing it too. :)

Step 1: Scan your body and choose your favorite tension-holding body part. For the purposes of this exercise, choose an area of chronic, lower-grade tension. Avoid areas of recent injury or high-intensity pain.

Ex: I’m tuning into my right knee.

Step 2: Allow yourself to just notice what is happening there on the level of sensation. You can refer to the list here for words if you get stuck. (And, yes, stuck is a great sensation word!).

Ex: Initially, I noticed a pulling in the back of my thigh, a tingling going down my shin and this dullness directly under my kneecap.

Step 3: Give yourself 3-5 minutes to continue noticing and watching (witnessing) that part of your body. As you pay attention to it (without trying to fix or change it), what happens? Does the sensation stay the same or does it change? If it changes, what sensation word would now describe it?

Ex: the pulling sensation dissipated; the tingling in the shin increased momentarily and then decreased; the dullness became more of an ache and then I noticed a gentle pulsing beneath the kneecap. Interesting!

“The very act of paying attention to your body changes your experience.” –Diane Heller

Sensations give us a very concrete way to interact with and listen to our bodies. It is through this listening, this interaction, this communicating, that our bodies (we) change.

Remember, learning something new takes time.

Do you remember when you first learned how to drive a car? I recall feeling very overwhelmed initially. There was so much to keep track of, so much to do all at once… turn on your blinker, check your mirrors, check your blind-spot, speed up (or slow down), hands at 10 and 2… all that just to change lanes!

I also recall thinking: Soon, all of this will be second nature. Soon, I will be doing all these things at once without even thinking about them. And soon (very soon) I was.

It’s the same process with learning to speak sensation. At first, it may feel overwhelming. You may find yourself getting frustrated and wondering if you will ever be able to

  1. notice/be aware of sensations in your body and
  2. be able to describe them in a meaningful way.

That’s ok. That’s normal. Just give yourself time, keep practicing, and eventually you will be able to speak Sensation without even thinking about it. Eventually, you will be fluent in the language of the body.

For you (if you so desire):

Over the next week, play with speaking Sensation. You can repeat the exercise described above with the same or some other part of your body.

Or, when someone asks how you are, pause, notice the sensations in your body, and see if you can find a sensation word to describe what you are experiencing in that particular moment. You just might surprise yourself!

9 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care, Speaking Sensation

How to Bring a Little Ease into Your Holiday Season

December 8, 2009 By 7 Comments

It’s the holidays… perhaps you’ve noticed? Festive music, garish signs advertising who-knows-what, parties, lights, and of course, tons of additional external and internal pressure.

Right?

Over the past week, I’ve been in a funk. Totally disoriented and paralyzed by this vague sense of things I should be, want to be, and need to be accomplishing. Like, NOW.

The problem is, there is no real clarity of what those things are or how important they actually are in the grand scheme of things. (most likely not very). I do know they are all holiday related which makes it even more frustrating because, in general, I do as little holiday stuff as possible.

Have you been experiencing anything similar (stress, pressure, additional shoulds, wants, needs)? If so, give the following process a try. It’s quick and simple and may just bring a bit more ease into your holiday. It did for me.

Step 1: Make a pressure-filled list:

Get out a piece of scratch paper and list everything (yes, everything!) you feel pressured by or think you should/want/need to be doing this holiday season. Give yourself no more than 2-3 minutes to make this list.

Here’s mine (ignore the letters for now):

  • Presents/cards for parents, siblings + spouses, niece + niece/nephew on the way, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins…. (A)
  • Appreciation gifts for clients, colleagues, friends, mentors. In short, all the people who inspire support and love me. (B)
  • Find the perfect gift/surprise for my partner. (A)
  • All the gifts, by the way, must total $100 (cash is tight right now) AND they must be super thoughtful, meaningful and tailored to each individual person. (How’s that for a little pressure?) (C)
  • Decorate the house. (C)
  • Find the perfect holiday outfit, or at least a new shirt. (C)
  • Make treats to take to the in-laws (healthy, low-sugar, mind-blowingly-great-tasting treats, of course). (B)
  • Do extra volunteer work. (B)
  • Attend the various events, parties, etc I’ve been invited to attend. (C)
  • Run some awesome holiday themed business promotion. (C)
  • Host a small dinner party. (A)

Funny thing about my list?

A lot of the stuff on it never happens (like gifts for everyone), is not really expected by anyone, and still I feel pressured! It’s the holidays indeed. (Shakes head in dismay).

Alright, got your list? Let’s move on to Step 2.

Just look at your list. How does it feel to actually see all the stuff you are supposed to be doing?

For me, just writing the list was a huge relief. I was quickly able to see so many unrealistic expectations I had and how much unnecessary pressure I was putting on myself.

Step 3: Categorize the list.

No, not the way you’re thinking.

What I want you to do is look at your list one item at a time and notice what happens in your heart as you read it. Does your heart lift a bit? Or, does it sink? Maybe there isn’t really any reaction at all.

Heart too far fetched? Well, maybe you notice a sense of lightness or relaxation in your body when reading some. Perhaps more tension and heaviness with others.

As you read the list, place an A by the items that feel lighter, a B by the neutral ones and a C by the heavy items.

Do this part quickly (the checking in and assigning letters). Don’t think about it. Just read the item, notice your body, jot down a A, B or C and move on. Your first instinct is right on. Trust me. Ok, actually, trust yourself. :)

And, don’t worry. I’m not going to tell you to not do the things you put a C beside. That’s not the point of this exercise. The point is to just check in and see what your body, your heart, has to say on these matters.

If you are curious how this step went for me, take a look at the numbers at the end of each item in the list above.

Anything odd or surprising happen looking at your list in this way?

Looking at my list, I was surprised to realize the idea of hosting a small party was actually very appealing to me while attending events felt like a huge, heavy chore.

Also, while my heart does feel really happy when thinking about giving gifts to loved ones, the pressure I was putting on myself to make them a certain way (thoughtful, unique, meaningful, perfect) was taking away any joy I felt in giving. Not fun!

So, what do you do with this information?

Here are my suggestions:

  1. Treat the list lightly. The point is to give you a sense of where your priorities really are, based on your heart vs external or internal pressures.
  2. Give yourself permission to not do one of the things that you rated B or C. Assuming you can do this in a way that feels safe and comfortable, of course.
  3. Give yourself permission to devote extra time to one of the heart lifting items on your list. If there were no As, consider making it a priority to do something non-holiday related that does nourish and support you on a regular basis (whether that is exercise, reading, movies, tea with a close friend, etc). This is loving and taking care of *you* during the holidays. This is finding balance during pressure filled times.

The key is to give yourself permission.

To do what you want to do, yes.

To not do the things you don’t want to do, yes.

Also, to *do* the things you’d rather not as well.

Because, it’s the holidays. And, most likely, we are going to be doing some things we don’t want. That’s ok.

So, go ahead and give yourself permission to both do the thing and to totally hate and dread it. In my opinion, allowing yourself to feel what you are actually feeling (and acknowledging those feelings “wow, I really hate decorating for the holidays…”) is a very healthy thing to do.

What I’m going to keep in mind is that I’m consciously choosing to, for instance, attend a particular holiday function – because I value community and supporting others. I’ll give myself permission to dread it and hate being there (if that’s how I’m feeling). AND, I’ll give myself permission to leave whenever I want to go snuggle on the couch with my boyfriend – because that’s how I find balance.

Yay! Snuggling.

I’m curious.

What surprised you about your list? What things are you going to give yourself permission to do or not do? I’d love to hear about them. You can leave a comment here or email me directly.

7 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care

Sometimes, Running from Pain IS the Best Option!

November 24, 2009 By Leave a Comment

A while back I wrote a post about how we tend to isolate and cut ourselves off from the parts of our bodies that are hurting. I used the analogy of not allowing everyone to sit at the Thanksgiving table and gave a suggestion for how to invite the hurting parts back to the table. You can read the original post and the comments in their entirety here.

A couple of people responded with some very thoughtful, insightful comments. I want to share part of one of them with you along with my reply.  And, perhaps even take the discussion a bit deeper. Ready? Let’s go!

Paul asked:

How can I stay with a challenging feeling or sensation, or even learn to listen to it?

And, my response:

Yes, being able to stay with a challenging feeling or sensation takes practice.

For now, I’m wondering if I’m hearing a ‘should’ here. As in “I really should be able to listen to and stay with challenging sensations and feelings.” If that’s the case, that’s a whole lot of pressure to be placing on yourself.

What if, just for now, it was totally fine to be unable to stay with the painful area for any length of time? It’s kind of like that uncle you just don’t feel comfortable around. Yeah, you can say ‘hi’ but anything more than that is too much.

When it comes to getting to re-know the painful parts of our bodies, sometimes just saying ‘hi’ can be enough.

Ok, let’s talk a bit more about the uncle. Go, uunnncles!

You are heading home for Thanksgiving and your entire family, even your extended family, will be there. It’s been a while since you’ve been home and you are feeling both excited and nervous. Excited to see everyone again. Nervous about seeing everyone again.

Especially one uncle in particular. He is the one that never talked to you when you were a kid. The one that was always really quiet and would just sit there, watching. You’ve never felt comfortable around him but, now, you are older. And, you understand that he had a difficult life. For some reason, you feel drawn to begin a relationship with him.

But, you really don’t know how. And, it’s sooo uncomfortable because you never really know what to say to him.

You arrive at the house and yay! Everyone is there and everyone is happy to see you. The, he walks into the room. You feel his eyes on you and you look up. There isn’t any welcome or happiness in his eyes. But, you remember your desire so you walk over, offer you hand, give your friendliest smile and say “Happy Thanksgiving.”

He returns the greeting, but without enthusiasm, not really looking at you. You desperately try to find something to say, can’t think of anything, begin feeling more and more uncomfortable and eventually, awkwardly, walk away.

You think, what a totally terrible start to this new relationship you so wanted to cultivate.

Relationships have to start somewhere

When it comes to beginning to cultivate a relationship with a part of our bodies that we have been cut off from for a while, the initial stages are often very uncomfortable.

As we start to listen to and allow ourselves to feel the hurting part, quite often the pain and discomfort can make it very difficult for us to be able to spend any amount of time with it.

That’s ok. It’s not necessary to spend lots of time with the hurting part at first. It takes time to warm up to one another; to really feel comfortable even being in the same room.

The important thing is the desire to have a relationship.

Or, as one of my mentors says: ‘Even the desire to have the desire is enough!”

You have the desire. You want to get to know that part of your body that you have not talked to in so long. You want to feel comfortable spending time together.

Right now you don’t. And, that’s ok. These things take time.

Just because, for example again, you want to have a relationship with your uncle, doesn’t in any way mean it is just going to happen. It may take a whole lot of smiles and hellos on your part before you begin to feel comfortable enough to hang out with him despite the awkwardness and the not-knowing what to say.

It may take a lot of time before you begin to feel comfortable being uncomfortable.

Make sense?

Until then, just saying ‘hi’ and then running away to hang out with some other relative where you do feel comfortable is perfectly fine. Really.

Key points:

  1. Relationships take time to develop.
  2. There is no need to force yourself to hang out with discomfort or pain (the uncle) if it is uncomfortable for you. Just say ‘hi’, acknowledge the discomfort, and then run!
  3. As you continue to say hello, you will eventually be able to hang out longer and longer. The relationship will become deeper.
Leave a Comment Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care

Nothing Works: Is that True?

November 10, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Today, I’m going to do things a bit differently. Instead of the usual article plus self-care suggestion, I’m going to share with you an exercise I did to help me find right relationship at a time when I was experiencing extreme pain. And, if you want, you can do the exercise with me!

Last Thursday, I had a horrible headache. One of those headaches that totally debilitates and renders everything other than the pain meaningless.

During a moment when the pain was slightly lessened, I became aware of the thought “nothing works” (referring to headaches).

I’ve been reading a lot of Byron Katie lately and decided to apply her process of inquiry to this thought. For those unfamiliar with her Work, here’s a super quick summary:

She uses 4 questions plus a turnaround to examine whatever thought is causing distress in the moment and to help open the mind to other possibilities. Here’s the process as I applied it:

The thought:

Nothing works.

Question #1 – Is that true?

Um, well, it feels that way. I guess, though, if I have to give a straight yes or no answer, the answer is No. Because, eventually, the headache does go away so something must work for that to happen. So, ok, the answer is No.

Question #2 – Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

Nope, guess not. (there is a ‘dammit’ implied at the end of that sentence).

Question #3 – How do I react when I believe that thought?

Crap. I hate this question. Well, I feel totally helpless. And hopeless. And defeated.  And depressed. Filled with dismay. I think about all the things I wanted to do with my day and am filled with resentment and frustration.

I completely close down to any suggestions for what might work – ‘No, I’ve already tried that. It doesn’t work. It’s not that kind of headache; it’s one of those, the ones that don’t respond to anything.” I think that no-one or no-thing can help me or relieve the pain.

I spend the entire day in bed, afraid to move because movement intensifies the pain and also causes increased nausea. I feel pathetic and tell myself what a loser I am and berate myself for not having figured it out yet. I mean, it’s been over 2 decades already. Despair and depression overwhelm me.

Question #4 – Who would I be without the thought?

Well, the pain would still be here. I think.

But, I guess I’d be more open to trying things. I’d be more open-minded and curious. I’d be willing to keep trying things just to see if it worked this time. I’d be more creative in my thinking and might even discover some approach or way of being with the headache that I haven’t tried before.

I’d likely still be lying on the couch all snuggled up but I wouldn’t be layering emotional distress on top of the physical pain. It would just be me and the headache, hanging out, getting to know each other. Somehow, that actually feels rather relieving.

The turnaround (the opposite of the original thought):

Everything works. (what?!?)

Is that thought as true or truer than the original thought? Find 3 reasons why it is true.

Ok, before I just say NO, absolutely not, let me see if I can come up with 3 things that have worked on occasion. Here goes:

  • time
  • Ortho-Bionomy
  • stretching
  • hot showers
  • getting in touch with the emotion underneath the headache
  • journaling
  • meditating
  • being outside
  • exercise
  • taiji
  • qi gong
  • yin yoga
  • volunteer work in Forest Park
  • being in nature in general
  • meeting the headache as energy/sensation vs pain
  • cranial work
  • my Quantum Technique code
  • dancing
  • positional release – positioning my neck in such a way that the tension is relieved
  • dialoguing with the pain
  • breathing
  • following the pain down my neck and into my heart – focusing on my heart vs my head
  • sleeping
  • using my migraine essential oil stick

So, things got a bit bizarre when I tried to name 3 things that have worked. All of a sudden more and more things started jumping up and down demanding my attention. And, the list just kept getting longer and longer.

The final question:

Does everything work? Is ‘everything works’ as true or truer than the original statement of ‘nothing works?’ Yes, it absolutely is. And, I have thing after thing that has worked to prove it.

Something works every time. And yes, this headache was the one that all my self-care techniques have the least affect on but TIME does come through even for this one. Knowing that, I was able to relax into having the headache, to quit resisting what was happening and just allow it to run its course.

There are many other thoughts around headaches I could (and will) spend time examining (I should have this whole headache thing figured out already, for example).

For You:

For you, my question is this: what thoughts do you think when you are in pain? Is this a process that might be beneficial for you? If so, give it a try and, of course, leave a comment letting me know how it went.

Leave a Comment Filed Under: Headaches, Listening to Our Bodies, Self-Care