Wanted: Allies. (who are yours?)

December 7, 2010 By 9 Comments

Today, I am going to mix things up a bit.

I’ve been mentioning Allies quite a bit in my more recent posts – mostly talking about how important they are when embarking on the Adventure of Self-Care.

Today, I want to share with you a few of my Allies – the people and practices that nourish and support me when life is calm and that bring me back to myself and make my path easier when things are difficult and overwhelming.

My In-Real-Life Allies:

The people I turn to when a) my own internal resources and practices aren’t enough and b) I’m finally willing to not have to do (and face) everything alone.

I tend to very easily get caught up in the idea that ‘I have to do it all by myself, all the time.’

Making it a conscious practice to ask for help, and allowing other to support me, has been one of the most rewarding and nourishing (and challenging) things I’ve ever done.

I’ve always been skeptical of people who identify as psychic. And yet, one of my primary Allies is psychic. Sarah Lambert‘s gift is one that allows her to speak to the truth at the heart of whatever my issue may be.

Generally, she isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know – on some level at least. More, it’s how she is able to legitimize what I’m feeling and to put into words (with extreme kindness and compassion) the deeper need. She’s lovely and I recommend her readings without reservation.

Emily Sapp, my designer, without whom this website would not exist.

Emily started out as an Ally for my business and very quickly became a personal Ally as well. I adore her for her ability to listen, her innately generous and caring nature, and her extreme skill as a designer. I simply cannot say enough good about this woman. If you ever have the pleasure of meeting her or working with her, you’ll know what I mean.

I am part of the most awesome Mastermind Group in the world. How I became fortunate enough to be a part of this group of 5 distinctly thoughtful, kind, hilarious, and uniquely talented women, I’ll never know. I do know that I feel so blessed to be a part of this group.

The naturalists and volunteer naturalists of Oregon Metro rock. They rock.

You can’t find a more interesting, caring, passionate, nature-loving and nature-protecting (through education and restoration) group of people. If you live in the Portland Metro area, click here to check out all the ways you can engage with this organization.

My wise friend, who is also one of my Ortho-Bionomy mentors. Uma Malcolm has shepherded me through more transitions and hard, scary things than I can even name.

Interesting. I just noticed how each of these people/groups are Allies both for me personally and for my business. Nice!

Now, a few of my personal practices that cultivate my internal Allies:

  • Xinyi Liu He Quan – my relatively unknown internal martial arts practice that helps me connect with my body and ushers in all kinds of new awareness and understandings about how I move and relate to the space within me and around me. (Whew. Super long sentence!)
  • 750words.com – my favorite online daily journal – where you can earn badges, like a turquoise horse!
  • Walking.
  • Interacting with specific qualities - like trust, play, ease, etc.
  • Spending as much quiet time as possible in nature – either alone or with my boyfriend.
  • Talking with trees (and squirrels, and birds).
  • Owl Eyes (of course). Actually, Owl Eyes forms the foundation for nearly all my other practices.

And, also, Shiva Nata:

The brilliant, brain scrambling, pattern busting practice I discovered through the equally brilliant Havi Brooks (yet another both personal and business Ally).

Through this practice, I’ve been introduced to even more amazing people both online and in real life.

People like Elizabeth Halt. And Andrew Lightheart. Two people whose blogs always serve to bring me back to myself and help me feel more connected and whole.

And, or course, a whole amazing assortment of incredibly diverse, interesting and hilarious people on Twitter.

Finally…

To all of you who read my posts and share space with me here, thank you! I count each one of you as an Ally as well and I am so grateful you are here.

Comment Magic:

Who (or what) are your Allies – the people, practices, etc that support you? I’d love to hear about them in the comments. Feel free to include links, if applicable. :)

9 Comments Filed Under: Revealing More, Concealing Less, Right Relationship, Shiva Nata

Using Your Senses to Relax Your Body

September 28, 2010 By 8 Comments

I went to bed tense and grouchy the other night. Lying there, I could feel tension radiating throughout my body. My legs felt stiff and achy, my breathing constricted, my thoughts racing.

Knowing I needed to get a good night’s rest, I started going through my list of relaxation techniques, discarding each nearly as quickly as it came to mind. Tense and relax the different parts of my body? Not working. Focusing on my breath? Nope. And on and on.

Eventually I gave up and resigned myself to a sleepless night.

I decided that as long as I wasn’t sleeping, I might as well practice some of my naturalist skills.

Specifically, I decided to tune into my sense of hearing and name as many sounds as I could hear.

The quiet hum of the highway, a breeze stirring the leaves of the tree outside my open window, the steady beat of my heart…

Less than 5 minutes later, it occurred to me that my body was absolutely relaxed, my mind was calm and I was on the verge of sleep. Miracle!

Now, I *know* that engaging the senses relaxes the nervous system and thus the body.

That’s the basic premise behind Owl Eyes, after all.

Apparently, I needed a reminder. Perhaps you could use one as well?

If so, here’s a quick process to help you engage your senses and relax your body. Give yourself about 5 minutes to go through this next part. Having pen and paper handy is helpful as well. Here we go!

Sense 1: Sight.

As humans, most of us are very visually dominant. Therefore, we tend to spend a lot of time with our eyes in tunnel vision, looking at something, watching something (or someone), etc.

Glance around the room (or wherever you are) and jot down 5 things you see. Try to make them things you don’t normally notice in your surroundings.

My five things:

  1. A pair of my boyfriend’s socks, inside out and crumpled.
  2. A yellow highlighter
  3. The beautiful pillows a friend made for me.
  4. A calculator sitting on top of the computer tower.
  5. A solitary tack stuck in the wall (that’s not tacking anything). Whaa?

Now relax into your Owl Eyes (or wide-angle vision) as you engage the rest of your senses.

Sense 2: Hearing. Deer Ears!

With your gaze soft, engage your sense of hearing. If helpful, imagine your ears are like huge a deer’s. You can even cup your hands around your ears to exaggerate your sense of hearing.

What do you hear? See if you can name 3-5 sounds.

Me? I can hear the buzz of the refrigerator, traffic from the highway, a door creaking open and then slamming shut.

With hearing, it is important to remember to allow the sounds to come to you. There is no need to strain or to try to hear more. Just sit quietly and receive the sounds.

Sense 3: Smell. Bear Nose!

Bears have an amazing sense of smell. Polar bears, for example, can smell a whale carcass up to 20 miles away.

In humans, smell is often an underdeveloped sense. We can, however, improve it with practice. For now, see if you can name 1-3 scents in your immediate environment.

Right now, I can smell the mint in my tea and not much else. :(

Sense 4: Touch.

Or, as the Kamana Naturalist Training Program describes it: skin of a baby.

Imagine your skin is as soft and sensitive as a baby’s. What do you notice? How does the air feel? Is the room cool or warm? How much moisture can you feel in the air? Can you feel your clothing resting against your skin? Describe their texture.

If outside, is there a breeze? Can you feel the sun? Where is it? And so on…

Sense 5: Taste.

Ah. Another often overlooked sense. What taste is in your mouth right now?

Open your mouth and breath in some air. Is there a flavor to the air?

The next time you eat or drink something, take a moment and really notice the flavors and how they interact.

Bringing it all together. The wolf.

The wolf symbolizes this coming together of all the senses. Their eyes, ears and noses are equally utilized and equally developed.

Imagine if our sense of hearing and our sense of smell was as highly developed and utilized as our sense of sight!

That’s the power of the wolf and the power we develop as we play with consciously engaging more of our senses.

For now, sitting quietly, see how many of your senses you can engage and notice at the same time.

Perhaps it will only be one or two at first. That’s ok. Start with Owl Eyes or Deer Ears and add in your other senses over time.

Engaging our senses is the key to relaxation.

While it can be fun to just play with engaging our senses, there is also a very practical reason to make it a part of your daily life.

When we engage our senses, we are brought into the present moment.

Sounds, for instance, only happen in the present moment. We hear a sound. And then it is gone. Another sound emerges. And then disappears.

When we are listening, when our sense of hearing is fully engaged, it is impossible for us to be other than in the present moment. Add in more of the senses and this present-moment-ness increases.

For me, lying there, sleepless and tense…

My mind frantically racing, following some worry about the future or reliving something from the past, engaging my sense of hearing and naming the sounds brought me back to the present moment.

Back to where, in the moment, I was safe. Where there was nothing to do or to fix or to control.

In the present moment there was a comfortable bed beneath me, my boyfriend sleeping beside me and soft night sounds soothing me. In the present moment, all was well.

In the present moment, I fully relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

Comment Magic:

Comments, thoughts, stories? I love them! Just saying hello is lovely too.

8 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Nature! Nature!, Right Relationship, Self-Care

Raccoons, Relaxation, and the Absolute Rightness of Being YOU

August 24, 2010 By 5 Comments

It’s very, very early morning. That gray, pre-dawn time as the world begins to brighten. The sun has not yet popped up over the horizon but it is obviously on its way.

I’m all snuggled up in bed, warm and cozy. Then, abruptly, all hell breaks loose.

Our backyard scrub jays begin shrieking. And shrieking and shrieking. In fact, it sounds as if they have invited all their neighborhood friends into the walnut tree directly outside my bedroom window. To shriek.

The ruckus, it was enormous.

Too sleepy to drag my protesting body out of bed to see just what the commotion was all about, I just listened until, about 10-15 minutes later, all became quiet once more.

I tumble back into sleep. Morning fully arrives, I get up and eventually I recall the ruckus and decide to investigate.

I have a good idea what I will find and indeed, curled up in a hollow of the walnut tree, a good 20 feet off the ground, is a pile of gray fluff. A raccoon!

Now, whatever you happen to think of raccoons is fine.

I happen to adore them. Actually, I happen to adore any undomesticated animal and a lot of domesticated ones as well.

Anyway, I felt so indescribably happy standing there on the roof peering up into the hollow.

Graced with the presence of urban wildlife – young urban wildlife at that. This particular raccoon was not even half grown – likely born just this past spring.

He (she?) shifted and suddenly, up briefly popped a second head. There were two!

Oh! The happiness! It compounded.

They shifted around a bit more, eyes half closed. Eventually one of them settled back into sleep with his head cradled on the edge of the hollow.

As I watched, he sank deeper into sleep. As his body became more and more relaxed, his head slid along the edge of the hollow until his neck and head were basically dangling outside the hollow.

Oblivious, he slept on.

Learn to relax like a raccoon.

I sent my dad this picture and he texted back: “New goal… learn to relax like a raccoon.”

What can a raccoon teach us about relaxing and about being ourselves?

Last summer I watched a fully-grown raccoon returning to our neighbors giant Doug Fir. The jays shrieked and dove. The raccoon, completely oblivious, continued along its raccoon path and eventually curled up somewhere in the deep recesses of the fir.

The raccoon was completely unperturbed by the rants and attacks of the jays.

*SIDENOTE: of course, the jays are attacking because raccoons are predators and do raid their nests. However, the times I’m referring to here are times when the raccoon is returning from her nightly forage to sleep, no longer in hunting mode.

Just an afternoon prior to the morning initially described, the jays had suddenly started shrieking and I went to investigate. A raccoon was nestled in the same hollow. He was awake but absolutely relaxed and ambivalent to the jays screaming above him.

He was just a raccoon doing his raccoon thing.

Which got me to thinking…

The more I am me, doing the things that are meaningful to me and living my life as closely aligned with the qualities (love, kindness, compassion…) I treasure, the less the attacks of others will affect me.

In fact, it’s likely I won’t even perceive the unkind words or actions of others (or the world in general) as a threat at all. It is just them being them. I am just me, being me.

Nature is an inescapable model for being yourself.

Nature simply can’t be other than it is. In truth, we can’t be other than we are either.

Most of us do, however, spend a ridiculous amount of energy attempting to be (or to appear) other than we are.

While the reasons for this are many and varied, the more time we spend observing nature (especially while in Owl Eyes), the more these reasons fall away.

Spending even just a couple of minutes watching a bird, a squirrel, a deer (or a beloved pet) brings us back to ourselves. That animal simply can’t be other than it is. On some level, whether consciously or not, we are reminded that we also can’t be other than we are.

This state of *being* calls out to the deepest parts of ourselves.

That part of you that simply is you. That part of me that is unshakably me.

We are reminded that we are enough, that we belong, just as we are.

Knowing these truths, we can let go of our guarding and tension. We can relax… just like the raccoon.

5 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Nature! Nature!, Right Relationship

The Art of Magical Listening – a DIY Guide!

August 10, 2010 By 17 Comments

Close your eyes and listen. Name 5 sounds you hear.

Now, close your eyes again and listen a bit more closely. What is the closest sound you can hear? The sound furthest away? What is the quietest sound?

Ok, now that you are in tuned into your sense of hearing, let’s talk about listening.

The off-the-top-of-my-head stages of listening:

  1. Hearing the sound. Screech! Beep, beep, beep.
  2. Understanding the sound (prescribing meaning to the sound). The garbage truck is backing up.
  3. Hearing the sound and noticing the feeling in the sound. Look out! Danger! Alert!
  4. Hearing the sound and noticing and claiming your own response to it. For me, anxiety, frustration, tension in my stomach. Sensitive Ear Girl hates the abrupt, annoying noise.

In conversation with another person, the stages may look like this:

  1. She’s speaking. I hear words.
  2. Oh, she wants me to pick up some eggs at the store.
  3. Hmmm, she sounds stressed. Her body is tense. I wonder if she is having a hard day?
  4. Wow. As she is talking to me, I’m starting to feel stressed and tense. This tension and pressure is building in my stomach and chest.

Listening versus Magical Listening

I was in a workshop the weekend before last. We practiced this exercise that really demonstrated the power of Magical Listening.

And yes, I know I haven’t described what makes listening magical yet. I will soon. Rest assured. :)

We were in pairs. One person told a story about something difficult or challenging or painful happening in their life. The other listened.

As the listener, I watched as my partner went from being quite upset and frustrated, to being sad and depressed, to being angry and then…. to describing insight after insight into what this event meant within the full context of her life.

Epiphany after epiphany rolled out of her. Her energy went from heavy and stuck to flowing and excited. An injury that was associated with her story released a bit and she suddenly experienced more ease of movement and less pain in that part of her body.

All I did was listen.

Ok, that’s not all I did. We’re still getting to that. :)

First, have you ever been in a situation where a friend is coming to you, distraught, with some painful story?

As a listener, what did you do?

Perhaps you listened quietly. Perhaps you interrupted and offered a different perspective. Perhaps you gave some thoughtful advice.

Yes, they did feel better. They were comforted and heard – very powerful, necessary things.

What if, however, it is possible for them to *also* receive insight, resolution and transformation?

That’s the difference between listening and Magical Listening.

Listening is Stage 3 – hearing the words and paying attention to body language and the underlying emotion and feelings as someone is talking.

Magical Listening is Stage 4 – noticing what happens in you as the other is speaking.

Paying attention to yourself and your own responses while engaged with another is what makes Magical Listening possible. It creates this incredible sense of safety and connection.

It allows for the other person to feel heard and comforted, yes. It also allows them re-find their own sense of wellbeing and to receive insights about their stuff from themselves.

(How and Why this occurs is the subject for another time.)

Now, there is a bit more to it than just noticing your own reactions and responses as the other speaks. Specifically, there are 3 parts:

Notice (acknowledge)

Feel (exaggerate)

Release (re-find your own sense of wellbeing)

Let’s practice!

Through reading these words you are, in a sense, listening to me. And, you are likely experiencing some kind of response. Tune into that response.

What do you notice…

…in your thoughts?

…in your emotions?

…in the sensations in your body?

Whatever it is (calmness, boredom, anxiety, tension, tightness, expansiveness…), just notice it. Just allow it to be there.

Notice – Feel – Release

Now that you’ve noticed your own response to my words, you can acknowledge it and let yourself feel it.

For instance: hmmm, there is this pressure in my throat and tension in my stomach. I’m feeling anxious – not sure if I’m doing this right or if I can do it at all.

Often, just noticing and acknowledging your response is enough for it to let go and for you to return to a place of greater calm and wellbeing.

Other-times, it may take a bit more mindfulness to let go of whatever arises in you.

The quickest and easiest way I know to release tension is to exaggerate it, hold the exaggeration, and then let it go on its own.

For instance: I place my awareness on the pressure in my throat and use my mind to consciously increase the pressure there.

For the gripping in my stomach, I can clench my stomach a bit tighter, exaggerating that pattern of tension in my body.

With emotions, I find and exaggerate the physical sensations associated with for example, anxiety, in my body OR I can simply intensify the emotion itself.

What about that urge to help?

Or to interrupt? To offer suggestions? Or advice?

Same thing. Notice the urge, find the physical sensations associated with the urge in your body, consciously exaggerate the urge and then, let it go.

For all of the above, being in Owl Eyes helps immensely – Owl Eyes allows you to feel the feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Magical Listening isn’t easy, at least not at first. It takes play and practice.

It requires listening to yourself through monitoring your emotions, your sensations, your urges, and then not acting on any of them externally.

Instead, all of the work happens inside of you. You notice your reaction, you allow yourself to fully feel it and then… you let it go.

You change yourself.

You return to your sense of wellbeing.

Through re-connecting with your wellbeing, you energetically model how to return to wellbeing for your friend.

A deep sense of safety, connection and comfort is established and your friend begins to experience increased wellbeing simply due to your Magical Listening skills. Insights, transformation and resolution of patterns becomes possible.

It feel like magic. It is magic.

Comment magic:

I love to hear your thoughts, however deep or mundane. Just saying hi works too. :)

What does this whole concept of Magical Listening spark in you? Have you ever listened in this way (or been listened to)?

17 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Right Relationship, Self-Care

Sadness Speaks

June 11, 2010 By Leave a Comment

I woke up feeling a lot of sadness and disappointment today. Loneliness too. Seems to just be where I am right now. Sure, there are external things that I can point to as triggers, that I could easily blame. But… the depth of this sadness is far greater than the external circumstances warrant.

So, hello Sadness. Hi Loneliness. What do you need?

You. Always you.

Ok, here I am. Is there more?

Oh. You want me to stop looking to him to make you feel better. You want me to meet you. Ok. I want that too. And, it’s true. I do tend to look to him to make me (you) feel better.

Yeah, you’re right, most of the time it doesn’t really work.

It’s just so easy right now for me to get overwhelmed by you and to loose touch with all the parts of me that aren’t you. I just get swept into you.

You feel so vast and deep and bottomless.

Sadness speaks:

Stay on the edge of me. Use a lake (perhaps Crater Lake) as a metaphor. Sit on my banks, delight in my beauty, my depth, my great blueness. Admire my textures and ripples. See yourself reflected in my stillness.

Explore my island. It is there for you. Yes, even in the midst of all this grief, there is a sanctuary. If you get pulled into me and can’t find your way back to my shore, take refuge on my island. It is the space within the feeling.

For now, sit on my shore. Watch the sun set and rise over me. Listen to the birds.

See me from different perspectives. Become a bird and fly over me. Stand on that peak over there and look down on me. Where do you feel strong and resilient in relation to me?

Am I really so scary? Can you love and accept me as I am? Can you see the beauty in me?

Dip your toes into my waters. Let my tears caress and cleanse you.

Swim in me when you have need. I am here for you. You need not be afraid.

Crater Lake, Photo by LLaitner

Crater Lake, Photo by LLaitner

Leave a Comment Filed Under: Right Relationship, Self-Care

Four Things I’ve Learned from Richard

May 25, 2010 By 5 Comments

Richard? Richard who?

Richard Valasek, RN, one of the original instructors of Ortho-Bionomy and the primary facilitator of this summer’s workshop.

I took my first workshop with Richard in New York City in the cold, wintry spring of 2005. In the small yoga studio where the workshop was held, he dominated the room, both physically and energetically. Not in an overbearing sort of way but in a magnetic, make you want to hang onto every word he said, kind of way.

He spun magical tales, punctuated with the occasional curse word, of war veterans recovering from extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at the Tripler Army Medical Center where he uses Ortho-Bionomy in his job as a Pysch nurse.

He imparted sordid details about the beginnings of Ortho-Bionomy, shared details of how living the art of Ortho-Bionomy has impacted his life and demonstrated practical application after practical application of esoteric concepts.

He somehow brought together the science of networks, cutting edge psychological research, string theory, and systems theory in a brilliant weave of conceptual explanation and hands-on application of Ortho-Bionomy principles.

I sat in class, jaw slack, and just drank it all in. And, well, I’ve been hooked on Richard ever since.

Naturally, with the early bird discount deadline approaching this Friday, I’ve been thinking a lot about him.

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the things that I began to truly embody thanks to his unique way of presenting, practicing and living the art of Ortho-Bionomy.

In honor of him, I want to share with you 4 small concepts (with huge rippling effects) that have changed the way I view and participate in the world … in the hopes that one of them will land softly in your heart and begin to work it’s magic in how you view your world.

1)    Everything really *is* about me (or you).

Richard is big into systems theory – which is an approach to self-care and healing that is dependent upon the therapist’s ability to maintain a non-anxious presence and to modulate his or her own internal reactions.

Richard, however, doesn’t teach systems theory as some theoretical framework within a psychological setting.

Rather, he presents it as a dynamic, living thing that *anyone* (you, me, anyone!) can use to re-gain calm and clarity when distressed.

Further, he demonstrates how to consciously change your position within a system for the enhanced wellbeing of everyone and everything involved.

Through consciously changing our position (either externally or internally) to whatever is distressing us, we change our experience.

Imagine being an absolute basket case of emotions and heartache one moment and totally snapped out of it the next. Or, at least, being in a place where you have access to your internal sense of calm and can witness the emotions versus being overwhelmed by them. It’s possible!

And, it feels like magic. Systematic, understandable, and though his simple exercises, easily applicable magic.

2)    It doesn’t matter whether or not you believe in the method being used. If it works, use it.

There are some pretty crazy techniques out there for helping people resolve pain, heal old wounds, and nurture a deeper connection with themselves. Whether or not I, as a practitioner, believe in the method matters not at all. If it works for my client (or myself!), I’ll use it.

More than anything, perhaps, this concept allows me to get out of the way of my own standards and beliefs about how healing and self-care ‘should’ work. If what I have to offer doesn’t work for you, let’s find something else that does.

3)    Healing arises through re-finding right relationship.

Right relationship, in the words of Richard, is defined as “that relationship that allows the maximum degree of well-being and freedom for the individual wihtout putting at risk the larger system.”

The thing that is causing us distress (natural disaster, family problems, physical or emotional pain…) is far less important than where we are in relationship to that thing.

In order to re-find right relationship, however, we first need some space between ourselves and our reactions. We need some breathing room where we can begin to witness the problem or pain or emotion and find that sense of internal calm and wellbeing in relation to the issue.

One of the tools I teach for accessing this sense of space is Owl Eyes. Richard has many, many more. All simple, all things that work.

4)    Ortho-Bionomy (training) is for everyone.

This concept has been on my mind since receiving an email last week (from a massage therapist) asking whether the upcoming workshop is for massage therapists or for the general public.

Somewhere along the way it seems Ortho-Bionomy training became the domain of those of us in the alternative-care industry. And, there seems to be a sense of possessiveness around the method.

While I may not gain the popularity of fellow alternative care providers, I emphatically state:

Ortho-Bionomy IS for everyone. *Especially* the general public.

The founder of Ortho-Bionomy, Arthor Lincoln Pauls, DO, envisioned Ortho-Bionomy as a system of self (and other) care that would be accessible to anyone who wanted simple, reliable techniques for helping themselves and their families.

This is the spirit of Ortho-Bionomy that Richard espouses and that I intend to carry on through my work.

An invitation:

With all of this in mind, I invite you to join Richard and myself this summer for a self (and other) care workshop. Click here for all the details.

5 Comments Filed Under: Ortho-Bionomy, Right Relationship, Self-Care

One Small Shift in Perspective that can Change Everything

April 13, 2010 By 5 Comments

A couple of days ago Emily asked me about my headaches. It was an innocent enough question. She knows my history. She cares about me and about how headaches affect my life.

Still, as usual, I felt this tensing in my stomach as my mind began sorting through the past few weeks frantically searching for an answer that a) was honest and b) wouldn’t make me look too pathetic or complain-y.

After all, who feels comfortable around a pathetic complainer?

So, I said something about how I’d had a bad one or two and then, as usual, threw in something positive I’d noticed or learned recently. Because, well, I hate the thought of her (anyone really) feeling sorry for me.

Ok, up to this point, the conversation had followed its normal course.

But then, out of nowhere, Emily casually threw out a question that blinded me with its unexpectedness and brilliance. She inquired:

You do, sometimes, have stretches of days without headaches, right?

Woa. What?

And, just like that, everything shifted.

Yeah! Yeah! I do. Sometimes I’ll go an entire week, maybe even 10 days without even one headache!

All of a sudden, instead of counting the number of headaches I’d had in the past week or month, I could see all these shining days of headache-free-ness. And, oh my, were they beautiful.

Noticing what IS working – the first shift I help my clients make (and the concept I completely forgot to apply to myself).

My clients often come to me in pain. Whether that pain is physical or emotional makes little difference. There is something going on in their bodies or in their lives that is causing discomfort, disconnection and overwhelm.

This something has become the primary thing in their lives and has consumed their awareness to the extent that very little other is noticed or acknowledged.

So, one of the first questions I ask my clients (after they’ve described the pain in detail), is: Where in your body do you feel good? Are their any places in your body that feel comfortable to you right now?

Almost always, they become quiet, their bodies become still. Then, with a kind of wondering quality in their voice they say, “Wow, I’ve never been asked that before. I’ve never paid attention to what feels good.”

Why this shift in perspective is so important.

It is so easy to get pulled into something that isn’t working and completely lose sight of all the things that are working.

Making this shift from focusing on the pain (what’s not working) to the things in our lives and bodies that are working is crucial.

It allows us to gain perspective. It puts everything back into its proper place. It allows us to gain some distance from our pain. From there, we are able to make better decisions and be more pleasant people. Yay! (pleasant people rock).

In short, it brings us back into right relationship.

Note: focusing on what’s working does not mean we ignore, repress or deny the pain (or the things that aren’t working). Rather, shifting our focus to what is working helps us realize that pain is part of the picture vs the entire picture.

Let’s take 5 minutes and find 10 things that *are* working.

Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Think about some area in your body or life that causes you distress. Something that can pull you in and cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture.

Now, make a list of 10 things in your life that are working. The things on your list can be anything, it doesn’t matter at all how big or small they are.

If you are really stuck in that place of nothing’s working, then you may have to start really small. Perhaps even something like “the clock on my stove is telling the right time.”

When I’m particularly stuck, I find it helpful to go outside, to notice the trees (yes, they are still growing) and the birds (yes, they are still flitting about).

Try to make 3 of the items on your list things that are working in your body.

It can be as simple as, hey, my heart is still beating.

Or you can take a moment, check in and see if there is any part of your body that feels comfortable right now; if there are any sensations anywhere that you rather enjoy.

For instance, right now I notice this tingling sensation in my feet that feels really nice.

Once you have your list, settle in and (however briefly) allow yourself to experience a moment of gratitude for those 10 items on your list.

Well done.

My list:

  1. My computer rocks.
  2. My fingers enjoy typing
  3. The bottoms of my feet feel tingly
  4. The sun is shining
  5. I’m working from home
  6. I am able to pay my rent and bills this month
  7. My legs feel strong and capable
  8. I’m doing work that is meaningful to me
  9. The buds on the tree outside my window are becoming leaves
  10. My boyfriend loves me – somehow, and sometimes, despite myself :)

Heads up! In two weeks…

Those of you on my list will receive a gift from me – a beautiful little (7 page) ebook. This ebook describes the one technique I use every day to help me shift out of pain and into noticing what is working.

If you aren’t on my list yet, you can sign up here. :)

See you then.

5 Comments Filed Under: Headaches, Right Relationship, Self-Care

Things Aren’t Going to Get Better

March 23, 2010 By 7 Comments

I’m curled up on the floor. Inside I am breaking.

Again.

I feel shattered, devastated, very, very afraid and alone.

My breath is coming in gasps. Tears are running down my cheeks. I am shaking – that deep, core shaking that comes from absolute terror.

I recognize this place. I’ve been here countless times over the past 3½ years – ever since the iron-hard protective cage I’d built around myself began coming apart. Ever since I began to feel emotional pain again.

This time, I decide I don’t want to face all the terror alone. I call a friend – which is somehow nearly as painful as the pain itself. She answers and, as usual, she is able to hold me, to be there for me. And eventually, I am once again a little more connected to myself, to my internal sense of safety and love.

Knowing the answer, I ask her anyway:

Will things ever get better?

Things aren’t going to get better.

Don’t believe me? Let me show you:

First, the external stuff:

  • Life will continue to throw difficult, unexpected, challenging things at you. (Illness, injury, natural disasters, relationship stuff…)
  • Economies will collapse, jobs will be lost, businesses will fail, dreams will wither and die (to be very dramatic).
  • Your physical body will be in pain from time to time; it will grow old and eventually quit working the way you want.
  • People will let you down, break your heart, do or say things that hurt you (whether intentionally or not doesn’t matter).

Now, the more internal stuff:

  • Painful patterns will continue to play themselves out. Over and over and over. Just when you think you have figured out some pattern and that you will never have to feel the pain of that particular thing again, it will again slap you in the face – just to show you that, no, you aren’t done.
  • New, even more painful and deeply ingrained patterns will continue to come to the surface in the hopes that you can meet them and begin to untangle and resolve the pain they hold.
  • There will always be events, situations, people, words, etc that trigger old, unresolved pain in you.

Are you convinced yet?

Maybe *things* don’t get better.

But, through consciously, mindfully interacting with the pain we feel (whether physical or emotional), we get better.

We get better at meeting ourselves.

Life as a spiral

Life is a spiral, periods of gloom and pain followed by, perhaps not times of total joy and love, but, let’s say, periods of respite. Stretches of time where we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and where things happen with more ease and naturalness.

Followed by, of course, yet another cycle of more intense suffering and disconnection.

Physically this may look like having times when that area of chronic pain is in remission (if you will) followed by weeks or months of unrelenting pain.

Emotionally, there are periods where we are not so easily triggered. When we are more connected to our sense of wellbeing and belonging. Then, there are times when anything and everything serves to knock us back into the pit of terror (or wherever your painful place may be).

Climbing out of the pit of terror

What I’ve found to be true for me is that the more I practice holding, witness, meeting the terror (my pain), the quicker that part of the spiral cycles through. Yeah, the feelings, the pain, the insanely uncomfortable sensations are just as intense as ever.

But, I’m not so completely taken over by them. Or, when I am, I am able to recognize it sooner and take the steps that reconnect me with that internal sense of safety and love.

And now, there are even times, when in the very midst of the terror (when I am overwhelmed), that I notice a very small part of me is feeling incredible joy.

Joy that I am allowing myself to feel and experience the terror without trying to do something (or make someone else do something) to make me feel safe again.

And, sometimes, I hear this small, quiet voice that reminds me that the more I can meet and hold myself while *in* the terror, the more freedom I experience in my life.

I know this to be true. There are some things that in the past would trigger me into this place of utter desolation and terror that now just slide off me. Not because I am hard and untouchable but because I now have this internal sense of safety that is not so easily shaken.

The more I practice kindly, lovingly interacting with my pain (using any number of the suggestions I talk about here), the less things trigger me, the more whole I am in myself, and the more freedom I experience.

All the things from my list that cause pain are still there. They haven’t changed or gotten better.

But, I have gotten better.

That makes all the difference.

For you:

Today I just want to say that sometimes things are overwhelming. Sometimes the painful part of the spiral is long and hard and seemingly endless.

Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for having the courage to be in the hard, in the pain.

It’s so not easy.

And, I want to remind you:

You are so not alone.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding

Even as the stone of the fruit must break,

That the heart may stand in the sun,

So must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder

At the daily miracles of your life

You pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,

Even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief…

-Kahlil Gibran

7 Comments Filed Under: Listening to Our Bodies, Right Relationship

The Phases of Ortho-Bionomy: Bringing You Home

December 31, 2009 By 4 Comments

The Phases (or Moods) of Ortho-Bionomy are the key to the depth and healing potential of this work. However, I’ve yet to read a really clear, fairly concise explanation of what they are or how they feel.

So, here’s my experiential explanation of the phases from two perspectives: both as a practitioner of this system and as a person who has had the good fortune to receive a whole lot of it as a client.

Phase 4 – Yes, the phases start at 4; there are explanations ‘why’, all boring, so I’m skipping them:

What is it? Osteopathic-based techniques; mostly positional release. Positioning the body in a way that relieves pain and allows tight muscles to relax and release.

No forceful or abrupt movements are used. All movements are performed within the comfort range of the client. If something resists being moved in a particular way (or the movement causes pain or increased tension), we don’t move it that way! It’s that simple. And, it is completely counter to most other approaches.

How does it feel? The movements are gentle and are away from pain and towards comfort. There is a lot of checking in which leads to a sense of safety and confidence that whatever is hurting won’t be further hurt or injured. The feeling (mood) is crisp, clear, grounded, and very present.

Phase 5 – The dance:

What is it? The practitioner initiates a small movement and then lets the client’s body unwind on its own. The practitioner, for the most part, gets out of the way and supports the client’s body in making whatever movement it wants to make. Phase 5 is client directed although the client most often isn’t aware that they are the one leading.

How does it feel? The mood is rather floaty and dreamy. I think of this Phase as drifting off to Lala-Land. It’s very pleasant and refreshing. Imagine taking a nap on soft moss, under a giant tree, by a gurgling brook on a summer day. This is Phase 5.

Phase 6: Where things begin to get wacky.

What is it? Phase 6 is the energetic aspect of Ortho-Bionomy and how this looks/feels varies greatly from practitioner to practitioner depending on their particular gifts and skill level. In general, the point isn’t to move, remove or direct energy anywhere. Rather, the focus is to deepen awareness of what is happening on an energetic level and to then allow the inherent wisdom of the client’s body direct what happens next.

How it feels varies greatly. For the most part this phase feels soft, comforting and super soothing. Sometimes there is a rise and fall in intensity, a sense of something coming forward (perhaps a physical discomfort becoming momentarily more intense or maybe an emotion welling up briefly). A gradual softening, a letting go, and an enhanced sense of wellbeing generally follow these more intense sensations.

Phase 7: The really weird stuff.

What is it? Originally, Phase 7 was distance work. You know, quantum physics, “a butterfly beats its wings….” Stuff like that. And yes, it works. I’ve worked successfully with headaches, heartaches, you name it, from a distance and, reliably, the client responds favorably.

There is another way, my preferred way, to think about Phase 7 – where being in Phase 7 becomes synonymous with being in right relationship.

For me, as a practitioner, this means Phase 7 is about monitoring myself. What is coming up in me in relation to the client I’m working with? What do I feel or notice in myself in relation to their pain, or to whatever story they are presenting? It’s the work I do within myself while working with the client.

It’s this monitoring of myself and constantly re-finding right relationship (that sense of ease and comfort within myself in relation to whatever is going on with the client) that actually makes it possible for anything to shift or change within a session. This I believe, anyway.

How does Phase 7 feel for the client? Well, when I, as the practitioner, am in right relationship (Phase 7), the client feels seen, heard, fully accepted and absolutely safe. The client is able to relax fully into the moment and into their bodies. The client is able to begin to become more present with themselves and with whatever it is in their bodies or their lives that is causing pain or distress. The client begins to find right relationship with his/herself.

The end result???

In reality, the phases co-exist simultaneously throughout the session and, in the end, the client re-discovers him/herself.

The client finding right relationship with his/herself is what makes Ortho-Bionomy so wondrous to me. I absolutely love watching clients come home to themselves time after time. And then, watching their lives change as a result.

And, from the perspective of a client, this coming home to myself is the best part of Ortho-Bionomy.

Yeah, I love that I feel more relaxed and that the painful parts of my body feel better. But, the real juice and the feeling that keeps me going back is how deeply connected I feel to myself after a session. And how, slowly, over time, I’m learning to stay connected to myself in my day to day life.

There really is no better feeling than that.

Want a more basic introduction to Ortho-Bionomy? Click here.

4 Comments Filed Under: Ortho-Bionomy, Right Relationship

A Rather Goofy Suggestion for Coping with the Remainder of 2009

December 22, 2009 By 4 Comments

Initially, I wanted to write something about the New Year. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that

a) we aren’t there yet and

b) where we are is smack-dab in the middle of holiday madness.

So, instead, I have a rather goofy suggestion to help you cope with whatever chaos, melt-down, or overwhelm you may be experiencing right now, 8 days prior to 2010.

Let’s start with some background:

A few years ago I attended a workshop at Asilomar in Monterey, California. One afternoon we played with consciously varying our internal state while our hands were on or partner’s shoulders.

The facilitator asked us to touch our partners as if they were young children, crying, with scraped knees. Then, as if our partners were fragile, elderly people on their deathbed. Next, as if they were grief-stricken friends, then as strangers, followed by lovers, followed by clients in pain, etc.

Our partners, by the way, only participated through giving us feedback on the quality of our touch, not through pretending to be any of the people described above.

The point was to make it obvious that we naturally and unconsciously vary how we relate to (how we touch) people depending on the situation and our level of familiarity with them.

And, that the qualities coming through our hands are determined more by our personal internal states versus anything that is happening externally.

During the exercise, the quality of my touch did change. It became soothing and calm with the crying child, sensual while imagining the lover, gentle and compassionate with the elderly person.

This exercise blew my mind.

I discovered how all those qualities (compassion, sensuality, gentleness…) existed within me independent of whatever was happening around me. That my partner didn’t actually have to be in tears in order for me to access, for example, the quality of compassion.

What does all this mean?

Well, today, it means we get to play! We get to use our imaginations to help us access different internal states or qualities that will make it easier for us to survive the rest of the holidays.

Let’s start with two ways to connect with different qualities/internal states.

  1. Just ask for them. For example, say your mother-in-law is driving you crazy and you really want to keep the peace. So, ask for compassion (or whatever quality would be helpful for you). Then, give yourself a moment to be quiet and receptive and see/feel what happens.

    Now, honestly, this approach isn’t actually very effective for me but I know it works well for some people. If you are one of them, great. You can stop reading now. Although, if you do, you’re going to miss all the upcoming silliness. :)

  2. Do like I did in the exercise and imagine (in this case) the crazy-making mother-in-law in a state that would naturally elicit the quality of compassion within you.

Here’s where it gets goofy.

Just how extreme of a situation will you have to put your mother-in-law into in order to truly be able to feel compassion? Will just seeing her as a fellow human being be enough or will you have to take it further?

For me, depending on the situation, I may be imagining knife wounds, her house aflame, ninjas descending…

Note: just thinking about exaggerating things like this makes me laugh. Which, in itself, shifts my internal state. Nice!

Perhaps I’m so fed up with (to stay with the above example) my mother-in-law that I can’t even imagine a scenario that would lead to me feeling any sort of companionable emotions.

In this case, perhaps I’d have to take the imagination to yet another level. Maybe I could imagine the mother-in-law as an adorable abandoned puppy looking up at me with sad, hopeful eyes. How can that not melt my heart?

The important thing is to just keep playing with different scenarios until you find one that allows you to access a more easy-going internal state in relation to the mother-in-law.

Final suggestion – shifting your relationship to yourself.

So, we’ve talked about shifting your relationship to the other and doing whatever it takes to feel love and compassion and kindness towards them. But, what about you?

You’re the one that is going crazy and feeling overwhelmed. Can you apply this same approach to yourself?

Here’s two suggestions:

First, use something external (like the mother-in-law) and imagine her in a situation that elicits the quality of compassion within you. Then, take the focus off of her and simply feel and enjoy that quality of compassion for yourself.

Sounds great, right?

Often, though, I find it difficult to truly feel compassion (or kindness, love, whatever) for myself.

So, the second approach involves imagining myself in some dire predicament (perhaps the very predicament that is causing me distress in the moment).

Here’s how:

Take a moment and imagine a second version of you. See yourself fully and vividly. See all the chaos and stress around this copy of you.

Is it possible for you to feel any compassion for that second you?

If so, let yourself feel it fully and, if you want, you can even imagine sending that imagined version of you all the compassion, kindness, and love it can possibly handle.

And, since you are that second version, you will be both the receiver and the giver.

Lovely, simply lovely.

So, that’s what I’m going to be playing with for the rest of 2009. Using imagination and exaggeration to access whatever quality will be the most helpful for me in the moment.

Do you want to play?

4 Comments Filed Under: Right Relationship, Self-Care